I Have To Cut Off My Head
This year spent my Thanksgiving in beautiful, sunny San Jose, California. I was meeting my fiancée's extended family for the first time. I've come to learn that 90% of them aren't sports people. Which is pretty rough on Thanksgiving day. Luckily, she has one cousin who cares about football. So I woke up bright and early on Friday morning to get to his house across town for the 9 AM PST kickoff between Michigan & Ohio State.
I couldn't have been more confident about Ohio State. After watching Michigan play an insanely week schedule, then flat out refusing to throw the football against Penn State, I just couldn't fathom that they were really one of the 4 best teams in college football. I blame Brandon Walker.
Even after Michigan beat Ohio State, I wasn't convinced. I'm not sure why. I definitely should have been. I had some sort of mental block that kept me from seeing Michigan as any more than "just a good team". I also had a pretty nice buzz going. I also was angry about losing my bet on Ohio State. So I flippantly fired off this tweet.
Really wish I hadn't said that. Now I have no choice but to cut off my head.
People gave me all sorts of excuses to use:
"You were talking about Michigan basketball!"
"Wait to see if the title is vacated for cheating!"
"Cut off the head of your penis!"
"Just don't do it."
Unfortunately for me, I'm not an excuses guy. I'm not going to weasel my way out of this one. Here at Barstool Sports, when we make a bet, we pay up. It's about integrity. That's what this company was built on.
I was all set to do it last night after the game. I had the tools at my disposal and everything.
I would have done it to. But then I remembered where I work. I'm in a pageviews business. If I'm going to cut off my head, I'm going to do it right. You can only cut off your head once (unless I can get a hold of those doctors who reattached that kids head after a car crash then maybe I'll get another crack at it later on)
If you thought Jersey Jerry's Hole-in-One Challenge set the internet on fire, just wait until Barstool streams a live beheading.
We still have to get the logistics figured out. Sadly, we can't make this happen overnight. There's a lot that goes into a live beheading. I want to talk to Hank to see what he thinks the best plan of attack is. I'm assuming we'll need to find a date that works for everyone. I'm sure Dave will want to be involved.. Obviously we'll have to sell it to a sponsor. We'll need to pick the perfect weapon, find a reliable executioner, book a venue in a country where we can execute a beheading without everybody at Barstool Sports immediately going to prison. There's a lot of red tape. But in the end, it's all about maximizing page views for the good of the company.
So stay tuned. Barstool Sports first live beheading is right around the corner. And I'd be remiss if I didn't congratulate Michigan and my boss Dave Portnoy on an incredible undefeated season. Nobody was more deserving than you this season. You proved the world wrong. You ended my life.