Some Kids Have All The Luck: Child Finds Jar of Cocaine on The Playground

AUBURN, Wash. — A jar of cocaine was found on a playground by a student at an Auburn elementary school last week.

According to a letter sent out to families of students at Evergreen Heights Elementary, the student found the powder in a glass jar and tasted its contents. Testing done by the Auburn Police Department determined that the powder was cocaine.

The child was OK, but at this point, it’s unclear how the jar got there in the first place.

First things first, there is nothing funny about a child accidentally consuming cocaine. Anybody who leaves drugs on or near a playground deserves to be punished to the fullest extent of the law. It's incredibly irresponsible, highly dangerous, and a disgusting waste of cocaine. Let me just say, personally, I hope they catch the son of a bitch who did this.

Secondly, it sounds like the kid is ok. So that's good. However, the article failed to provide the details I was looking for. For example, how hard did he dominate the jungle gym post-cocaine tasting? Did he set any times tables class records after recess? Did he pitch any sick business ideas during class later that afternoon? It also doesn't mention whether or not he was found licking the ground at recess where he found the jar the next day. That's something they're going to want to keep an eye on.

Thirdly... a jar? A JAR of cocaine? For the sake of this blog, I'm going to pretend that the jar was not just one of those teeny tiny glass vials that people who do cocaine have told me about. When I hear the word "jar" in association with drugs, my mind immediately goes to a 16 oz. mason jar. I'm picturing one of those bad boys filled to the brim with thousands of dollars worth of blow. Like something George Jung would have as a center piece in a house on Norman's Cay. 

Get your shit together Washington. Who would have thought that when you legalized every drug from marijuana to fentanyl-laced meth, that it might have some adverse affects on the community. You can't be leaving your drugs on playgrounds. Keep it on college campuses where it belongs.