Little Brown Lie
I don’t spend much time on Reddit because it seems to get ignorant at a more rapid rate than other platforms. Still, someone with the handle boozybetch posted on the moderately less-ignorant Instagram platform a story from Reddit that tickled my fancy.
I’ll transcribe the thread to the best of my ability. A thread that started 3 years ago when someone named DARTHVICKER answered the question:
“What’s the most disgusting secret you’re hiding right now?”
And I underlined that the comment is three years old to nip any salty and punctual commenters in the bud.
Either way, here’s DARTHVICKER’s answer to “What’s the most disgusting secret you’re hiding right now?”
My wife went out drinking with co-workers and got shit-faced. I had to struggle to get her inside. Blackout drunk crying, puking, it was a nightmare and not the first time doing this.
After putting her to bed, I shit on the driveway next to her car door and told her she did it while drunk and told her the neighbor saw her do it. She found it going to work the next day.
She has not gone out drinking since and this was 4 yrs ago. If she does drink, she's one and done.
I had to read that post a couple of times to 1.) Suspend my disbelief of what had transpired (let’s just assume it’s true), and 2.) To process its genius.
This is my summary…
- Guy gets married.
- Guy’s wife has a drinking problem and has gotten “blackout drunk” on more than one occasion.
- On the most recent occasion, guy had to pour his wife into bed after an aggressive night of drinking with coworkers where she may-or-may-not have driven herself home.
- After getting his bride to bed, guy takes a shit outside of his wife’s car door, and then tells her the next morning he witnessed her taking the driveway shit in a drunken stupor in front of at least one neighbor.
- Bride buys the story and doesn’t quit drinking altogether, but starts to limit her alcohol consumption exponentially.
I assume you read it the same way, and I assume you loved it as much as I did.
I also assume you immediately thought the success of his whole caper hinged on the fact that he did not eat corn earlier that day.
Last assumption… I assume a neighbor didn’t witness the gentleman shitting next to his wife’s car because that’s a neighborly secret I would think is impossible to keep.
Listen… I’ve been married for 25 years this May, and my bride is not a boozebag. However, I am. And yet, she’d never be able to pull a similar stunt with me because her 5’5” frame probably takes petite dumps whereas my 6’6” system drops some fucking BOMBS.
But if you’re a newlywed without the size dichotomy my marriage possesses, I think you should keep this little story in your back pocket in case your significant other does have a drinking problem or you just want to shore up a designated driver for the immediate future.
The only caveat is that you can NEVER come clean. If the shit-tastrophe you left somehow does the trick, you can never admit the cathartic “rock bottom” your spouse had reached in its aftermath was all a fabricated lie. Even if the hypothetical result is a healthy rehab, that duped sober person would have to get blackout drunk in retaliation for making them clean your shit off of their driveway.
Take a report.
-Large
UPDATE- DARTHVICKER gave an update on his ancient Reddit thread, and it has been 4 years since he duped his wife (the original comment must have been describing an event that was a year old)… The good news is that she is still on the straight and narrow. So it seems like a win for deceptive liars everywhere.
TAR
-L