The Next Mrs. Large

Large1/09/2024 9:00 PM

My wife and I are fighting, so I am trying to figure out who I am going to go after once she files for divorce. I figure a good place to start is deciding what age group I should be looking at.

I read somewhere that the “creepiness rule” states that the youngest you should date is “half your age plus seven.”

I am 52, so if my soon-to-be ex-wife and I have a swift separation, 26 + 7 means my next conquest will be 33 years or older.

Leonardo DiCaprio turns 50 this year, meaning his bogey should be somewhere around 32. But Leo seems to swim in a 'pool of pussy' much younger, and the ladies who have eaten Gilbert's grape since 1998 are an average age of 22.9 years old according to a study from 2 years ago.

His latest conquest, Camila Morrone, is a perfect example…

Jacopo Raule. Getty Images.

DiCaprio started with her when she was only 20 and then parted ways once she reached the same age as the film "Titanic" (which celebrated its 25th anniversary in 2023).

Now back to me… Leo can get away with dating outside of the creepy scale, but the rest of the world cannot. And I am so different from DiCaprio, that I would probably get pinned as a creep if I didn't set my sights on someone older than the 33-year-old bogey the creepiness rule spit out for me.

So I am going to shoot for closer to 40, and I think I am going to start fishing off an international pier… American women are too spoiled, so I might be better served trolling in a country where a young woman's options are either the local factory or the armed forces.

That narrows my search geographically to somewhere around the crossroads of Central and Southeast Europe for a "young" lady who is approaching 40 years of age. And for compatibility purposes, maybe the next Mrs. Large should share my affinity for pop music.

FOUND HER…

Lidija Bačić is a Croatian pop singer and actress.

She rose to fame in 2005 after finishing as runner-up on the second season of Hrvatski Idol… Which is kinda like American Idol, but instead of a recording contract, the grand prize for Hrvatski Idol is a pair of blue jeans and a box of condoms.

Lidija was born in Split, Croatia on August 4th, 1985… Making her an acceptable 38. She has two sisters (both hot) and a brother, AND, much like me, she was raised in the Roman Catholic faith.

If you saw the name "Split, Croatia" and said to yourself, "That sounds kinda awesome.", then you are correct. And I just recently learned Split is also the birthplace of former NBA star Toni Kukoč and WWE Hall of Famer, Nikolai Volkoff, who won the WWF Tag Team Championship at WrestleMania I in 1985 alongside his partner, The Iron Shiek.

Ronald C. Modra. Getty Images.

For the record, I am not actively pursuing Lidija just yet. Since I poured nearly 25 years into my current marriage, I am going to give my bride one more opportunity to lighten-the-fuck up next time I drunkenly shit the bed. If she balks, then I will kick her ass to the curb…