NEW ANAL BEADS CHESS SCANDAL!!!

This story has 2 parts. We have a whole incident to address before we even get to the anal beads.  

PART 1: Yan Had His Chinese Chess Championship (different than regular chess) Revoked After Shitting in a Bathtub

ABC News - world of Chinese chess (Xiangqi) is in uproar over rumours of cheating and a bad behaviour scandal that saw the national champion stripped of his title. 

48-year-old Yan Chenglong beat dozens of contenders last week to win the national title of "Xiangqi King" but the victory was short-lived after the celebration ended with him defecating in a bathtub. 

The Chinese Xiangqi Association (CXA) announced on Monday he would have his title revoked and prize money confiscated after he had been caught "disrupting public order" and displaying "extremely bad character".

He was also banned from playing for a year.

"Yan consumed alcohol with others in his room on the night of the 17th, and then he defecated in the bathtub of the room he was staying in on the 18th, in an act that damaged hotel property, violated public order and good morals, had a negative impact on the competition and the event of Xiangqi, and was of extremely bad character," the association said in a statement. 

Couldn't have said it better myself Shane. If a man can't celebrate his Chinese Chess National Championship by throwing back 20-30 Sapporos and unleashing his bowels in an unsuspecting bathtub, then what's the point of being a Chinese Chess National Champion at all? All those late nights put in playing chess vs Level 10 CPU's, all of your children's missed piano recitals, all so you can finally reach the Chinese Chess mountaintop only to be told you're not allowed enjoy your title the way you please. 

That's garbage. When Ole Miss fans rush the field after winning the Egg Bowl, the SEC doesn't take away their win. They fine them a small amount of money and let them get on with their season. You shouldn't be able to revoke a title for reasons unrelated to the game. 

Put a pin in that final thought.

PART 2: Anal Beads Cheating Allegations

The association was also forced to address rumours circulating online that Yan had cheated during the competition by using anal beads equipped with wireless transmitters to send and receive signals.

Yan allegedly clenched and unclenched rhythmically to communicate information about the chess board via code to a computer, which then sent back instructions on what moves to make in the form of vibrations, according to reports circulating on the Chinese social site Weibo.

"Based on our understanding of the situation, it is currently impossible to prove that Yan engaged in cheating via 'anal beads' as speculated on social media," the CXA said.

So as we all know, anal beads and chess go together like soup and dumplings. In 2023, it's nearly impossible to get through a high-level chess tournament (regular or Chinese) without someone crying anal beads. A simple search on BarstoolSports.com for "chess anal" yields more results than I care to embed into a single blog.

It makes perfect sense if you think about it. How else is a chess player going to communicate his board to the chess super-computer without shoving a series of vibrating beads up his own ass? They can pat you down all they want before the tournament, but they're not going in your ass. So until they hire a proctologist to inspect the competitors pre-match, which at this rate could be sooner rather than later, I can't think of a more foolproof way to cheat. 

The way this article reads, I think we're supposed to take Yan's bathtub shitting incident, and the alleged anal bead cheating allegations as two entirely separate issues. But back to my earlier thought. Was Yan's shit really unrelated to the game? 

The Chinese Chess overlords have made it abundantly clear that there is no way of proving whether or not Yan successfully pulled off the classic anal beads cheating method. His title was revoked due to his untimely shit. Those two things just "happened" to occur to the same person, on the same day.

I don't know about that. That all seems a little too coincidental. The article begs a couple of questions that it fails to address.

Question 1: Were there anal beads in Yan's bathtub shit?

That was mine, and I imagine everybody else's first question. But the article mysteriously doesn't dive into the contents of his shit. So I can only assume Yan's shit did not contain beads. I'm far from an expert on this matter, but I'd imagine anal beads are something you'd remove from your ass immediately following the match. Especially before a night of binge drinking. Or maybe I'm way off there. Maybe celebrating a Chinese Chess championship with vibrating beads in your ass is kind of awesome. I wouldn't know. But I'm assuming he took them out, because had the hotel staff found beads in the tub, it would be an open and shut case. That would be all the proof of cheating they would need. 

Question 2: Does spending all day clenching and unclenching your asshole while it's full of vibrating beads, then proceeding to drink heavily for hours on end make your bowels less controllable?

Here's where my head is at. Just think about the situation. Yan Chenglong wins the Chinese Chess National Championship. And like any other chess champion, Yan is immediately accused of anal beads. But again, there's no way of proving it. Yan proceeds to party like a scumbag for the next several hours. Everyone is probably thinking, "Fuck this guy. Running around like he owns the place. We all know he cheated"

Then Yan's party culminates in an uncontrollable bathtub defecation.

C'mon Yan. You want me to believe that you just lost complete control of your bowels after a case of beer? That doesn't happen to regular people. But would it happen to someone who's be using his ass to communicate with a computer all day long? Maybe so. I gotta think that's what the Chinese Chess Association (CXA) was thinking.

"Well we don't have the evidence of cheating to take his title away, but he did shit in a bathtub. That's screams anal beads. Let's just strip him of his title for displaying 'extremely bad character', then everyone can go home happy."

I'm just reading between the lines. I don't know anything about this incident beyond what this article says. But that makes perfect sense to me. The CXA can't outright take his title for cheating, but they can take it for being a dick. Not only does shitting in hotel bathroom qualify Yan as a dick, but it also seems to point to the fact that he had something going on in his butt earlier that day. 

You flew too close to the sun Yan. If you're going to use anal beads to cheat, you can't go straight to the party. Go back to your hotel room, take some MiraLAX, and spend some time on the toilet cleaning out whatever damage the anal beads did to your insides. Once that's taken care of, then you can proceed to party your ass off. That's how a real chess champion conducts his business.