Speed Ranking The Most Problematic Athletes on My Parent's Christmas Tree

Ever since I was a kid my parents got us one of those Hallmark sports ornaments in our Christmas stocking. I always got the basketball players for some reason. One of my brothers got baseball, another got football. Then there's a bunch of random ones too. For whatever reason, any player we got seemed to catch a felony a few years later. Or at least they'd do something shady in one way or another. Kind of like a Hallmark Ornament Curse. Here's a Speed Ranking of most problematic players on our family Christmas Tree.

1. Karl Malone - Not even particularly close. Seems like a terrible guy to be around too.

2. Ben Roethlisberger - The R word. 

3. Brett Favre - That one time he sent an unsolicited dick pic to Jenn Sterger. More recently stole $77 million dollars of welfare money from the state of Mississippi. Seems like an overall pretty dumb person. 

4. Adrian Peterson - Hit his kid with a switch. I never knew what a "switch" was until Adrian Peterson's son misbehaved that day. I'm still not entirely sure what it is. I think it's just a long stick. 

5. Michael Vick - I'm a very pro-Mike Vick guy. He's paid his debt to society. Realistically, all the charity & money he's donated to humane societies across the country probably outweigh the damage he did fighting dogs. More dogs are probably alive today because of Mike Vick's existence. But he's still more problematic than people who just did steroids.

6. Kobe Bryant - Kobe would be much higher on the list if he didn't die in a tragic helicopter accident. 

7. Peyton Manning - People forget about the Peyton Manning trainer incident when he was at Tennessee. He could really be higher. Google it. 

8. Mark McGwire/Sammy Sosa/Barry Bonds/Alex Rodriguez - They're all the same to me. They did steroids and lied about it. They didn't really hurt anyone.

9. Michael Oher - I can't tell who the real asshole is in the whole Michael Oher conservatorship saga. Seems like it's probably the family, but I don't really trust Michael Oher either. They're all just shitty people fighting over money.

10. Scottie Pippen - He's really not problematic, he's just getting wife cucked by Michael Jordan's son so I thought he'd be funny to put up there.

11. Magic Johnson - Big Magic Johnson, what has he done?