Ex-Burglars Offer a Helpful Guide on How Thieves Choose the Best Homes to Rob at Christmas

ricardoreitmeyer. Getty Images.

From the Wet Bandits to the Grinch, from Mr. Potter to the Bumpus' dogs, from Scrooge to copyrighted Getty Images captioned "Intruder breaks into home while family is away at Christmas (above), stealing people's stuff has always been as much a part of Christmas as gift-giving, Carols, and my in-laws making it clear they don't understand what I do for work.

And as much as I'd love to be taking this last day before the holiday weekend as a total blowoff day, I care about you too much. Sure, I have stuff to do. As we speak I'm slow-cooking three different kinds of meat so I can tell my sons "I love you short ribs, smoked bacon and homemade beef jerky much." But I'm the sort of selfless, self-sacrificing, generous spirit that when I come across an important public service announcement that will benefit the people who keep the lights on at Stately Thornton Manor, well by golly I'm going to pass this along. Consider it my Christmas bonus to you for another year of clicks. And like a Jelly of the Month Club (from another Christmas thief, Frank Shirley), it's the gift that'll keep giving the whole year.

Note: The highlights are mine:

Source - Anthony Neary, the manager of security retailer Safe.co.uk spoke to former criminals to find out the five signs they look for when considering potential five-finger discounts, the Daily Mail reported. …

Social media makes people’s private lives public, and thieves can research when people will and won’t be at home based on what they post. 

“I used Facebook to see when people would be away, you won’t believe how many post on social media about visiting family for a few days,” one former burglar told Neary. …

“Lock your doors. Seems simple, but lots of people don’t, especially when busy or stressed around Christmas,” he said. “Ensure that all windows and exterior doors are shut and locked at night or when you are away.”

Neary said hiding your keys in the mailbox while you’re out is also a bad idea, as burglars generally check for spare keys outside a home. …

Leaving a ladder somewhere outside your home? This can be an open invitation for a burglar to help themselves to your household tools and find their way inside. 

“Don’t leave anything around for a burglar to climb on or move that helps them enter your house,” Neary explained. …

“Leaving empty boxes from high-end electronics outside your house allows any burglar casing your estate to see that you have a lot of valuable items ready to be taken,” Neary said. 

Neary called the boxes an “advertisement” for all the items you may have up for grabs. …

“A house in the dark could appeal to a burglar as it looks vacant, especially with Christmas lights up right now,” Neary said. 

“This makes it obvious that the owner is asleep or not at home.

Obviously a few of these are fairly obvious. Frankly I think if you leave your doors unlocked and a ladder leaning up against the house you're probably in on the job and just running an insurance scam. And the cynic in me hasn't ruled out the possibility that the "former" criminals are just playing a reverse psychology game. And they'll all just go around looking for people leaving their exterior illumination on all day, throwing their boxes and wrapping paper in the trash and putting their ladders behind the shed, knowing they're going to be out of town. And robbing them will be like taking candy from the dumbass Whos:

But still, there's wisdom to be gleaned from this. Especially the part about making your whereabouts known on social media. Trust me, if I'm ever posting that I'm away, whether that's visiting family or on a vacation or whatever. I can promise you there's somebody watching my house. With orders to shoot to kill and we'll sort it out when I get home. Anyone who puts it out there that their house has been left undefended, even for the weekend or the day, doesn't deserve to find that copy of Batman: Arkham Origins or any of that Barbie movie merchandise still there when they get back. 

Again, I post this for you. Because I'm here to give back. And as a last reminder, if you happen to be taking 20 people to Paris this weekend and leave one of them behind, here's hoping he's an impossibly resourceful little scamp capable of torturing two quality actors in a stupid, cartoonish manner that makes no sense. (I never was a Home Alone guy.) Have a great weekend. See you Monday morning for a Knee Jerk Reaction to the Patriots game I wish wasn't on Christmas Eve at 8:15