TIL John Legend and Kelly Clarkson Did a Version of 'Baby, It's Cold Outside' Without Any of the Sexual Tension, and It's Way Worse Than You Could Ever Imagine

Since it was written during World War II, "Baby, It's Cold Outside" has been a perennial Christmas song. I suppose the most iconic version is the one done by Dean Martin and Marilyn Maxwell, but it's been covered a million times by everyone from Ella Fitzgerald to Michael Buble'. And I chose to go with the version from Elf, both because it's a great version, helps establish the childlike innocence of Will Ferrell's Buddy character, and also features Zooey Deschanel at the height of her quirky adorableness. 

But while it's a part of the soundtrack of the holiday season, but no means is "Baby, It's Cold Outside" an untouchable classic. I mean, it's not "Silent Night" or "Do You Hear What I Hear." If you want to get technical, it's not even a Christmas song. At least "White Christmas" is about a GI stationed overseas who's feeling lonely and homesick. This one is just about shitty weather. And a couple in a dating relationship playing out a "Will they or won't they?" scenario.

So it wasn't exactly making hamburger out of sacred cows when the song became part of a running joke. Specifically, when it was being called by it's other name:

"The Date Rape Song." 

No one was truly offended by it. It was just sort of funny to give it a re-listen in the #MeToo era. When I was brand new to sports radio, so new I didn't have enough time off saved up and had to work until 6pm on Christmas Eve, my fill in co-host and I printed off the lyrics and read them to make the point about how the sketchy the lyrics are viewed through modern sensibilities. Particularly when the woman in the duo seems to suggest the man slipped her a Hot Cosby (emphasis mine):

I really can't stay (But, baby, it's cold outside)
I've got to go away (But, baby, it's cold outside)
This evening has been (Been hoping that you'd drop in)
So very nice (I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice)
My mother will start to worry (Beautiful, what's your hurry?)
My father will be pacing the floor (Listen to the fireplace roar)
So, really, I'd better scurry (Beautiful, please don't hurry)
But maybe just a half a drink more (Put some records on while I pour)
The neighbors might think (Baby, it's bad out there)
Say, what's in this drink? (No cab's to be had out there)
I wish I knew how (Your eyes are like starlight now)
To break this spell (I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell)
I ought to say, "No, no, no, sir" (Mind if I move in closer?)
At least I'm gonna say that I tried (What's the sense of hurtin' my pride?)

I really can't stay
(Oh, baby, don't hold out)
Baby, it's cold outside

I simply must go (But, baby, it's cold outside)
The answer is no (But, baby, it's cold outside)
Your welcome has been (How lucky that you dropped in)
So nice and warm (Look out the window at the storm)
My sister will be suspicious (Gosh your lips look delicious)
My brother will be there at the door (Waves upon the tropical shore)
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious (Gosh your lips are delicious)
But maybe just a cigarette more (Never such a blizzard before)
I've gotta get home (But, baby, you'd freeze out there)
Say, lend me a coat (It's up to your knees out there)
You've really been grand (I thrill when you touch my hand)
But don't you see? (How can you do this thing to me?)
There's bound to be talk tomorrow (Think of my lifelong sorrow)
At least there will be plenty implied (If you got pneumonia and died)

But no one who joked about it was every really serious that somehow this song had no place in a post-Harvey Weinstein world. It was just a gag. One of those things where you say, "You'd never be able to make that today!" Like and old Disney movie. Or one of those jokes from an '80s comedy that seems sexist or racist by today's standards. Or all those '70s pop songs that always seemed to be about falling in love with a teenage girl that Adam Corolla calls "Statutory Rock." Meaning that people get "BICO" is dated, but no one was clamoring for it to be erased from the history books. 

Or so I thought. This version by John Legend and Kelly Clarkson isn't new. But it is in the sense that it's new to me. And since I'm a solipsist who believes the rest of the world revolves around me, that's all that counts. Anyway, the fact that anyone felt this 80 year old song needed to be rewritten to fit the current culture is totally bananaland. 

And yet, as terribly misguided as the idea was, the execution is a thousand times worse. Granted, these are two excellent vocalists doing a nice job of singing:

But to butcher a phrase from Vito Corelone, look at what they did to my lyrics:

What was this? Improv? Just randomly throwing in words out of rhyming dictionary, whether or not they fit the narrative, like a bad first attempt at freestyle rap?

So the guy is not trying to seduce the woman anymore? Obviously, because shaming her for still living with her family isn't going to undo any bra clasp. And since when is "Please don't hurry" being too sexually aggressive for a modern audience? So in his haste to come up with something to go with "scurry," the guy comes up with a weird pivot to "Murray." So we know my Uber driver is a Jewish gentleman? While you're awkwardly changing the subject, what's his make, model and plate number? 

Then we go from her friends will rejoice, to how it's her body, her choice. Spoken not so much like a Dean Martin-like man of the world trying to romance a desirable woman as it's straight out of a state college Student Code of Conduct. In other words, completely devoid of any genuine emotion, natural human behavior, or understanding of how real sexual attraction works. 

And therefore, they've managed to ruin the entire premise of a perfectly harmless song. Work on an updated version of some awful dreck like "Dominic the Donkey" or "Santa Got Run Over by a Reindeer" instead. The first rule of Christmas music is: If the song about a guy just trying to bed his girlfriend on a cold, blizzardy night isn't broke, don't fix it.