Kim Jong Un Sheds Real Tears as He Implores the Women of North Korea to Make More Babies

KCNA. Shutterstock Images.

In a world seemingly bereft of the sort of great leaders who have left a positive mark on history, I present to you North Korea's Kim Jong Un. A true national sovereign. A dictator's dictator. The kind of chief executive who understands the way to wield his unlimited power. One who'll reward loyalty with wealth and comfort, and reward disloyalty with forced labor. 

But who, like all the Christmas movies tell us, understands that the one true power on Earth worth having is the power of … family.

And so it came to pass that Dear Leader decided that the one thing North Korea needs is more North Koreans. And since he can't import them, he's going to order - make that recommend - the women of his country get the baby factories up and running:

Source - North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un cried as he called on women to have more children, saying that it was their duty to halt the country's declining birth rate in order to strengthen national power.

In his seemingly highly choreographed emotional plea, the authoritarian leader was seen dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief while addressing thousands of women gathered at a National Mothers' Meeting in Pyongyang on Sunday.

'Preventing a decline in birth rates and good childcare are all of our housekeeping duties we need to handle while working with mothers,' Kim said at the event, while also urging them to instill the values of his communist party in their children. …

Addressing the audience as 'Dear Mothers', Kim told them 'we are confronted with a host of social tasks that our mothers should join to tackle'.

'These tasks,' he said, 'include bringing up their children so that they will steadfastly carry forward our revolution, eliminating the recently-increasing non-socialist practices, promoting family harmony and social unity, establishing a sound way of cultural and moral life, making the communist virtues and traits of helping and leading one another forward prevail over our society, stopping the declining birth rate, and taking good care of children and educating them effectively. 

'These belong to our common family affairs, which we need to deal with by joining hands with our mothers,' he added.

I can confirm that joining hands with your mothers is not going to get the job done, but I leave the means to solving North Korea's Baby Communist shortage up to them. All we know is that the man who enjoys the most absolute power of any world leader is insisting - with tears in his eyes - that his child-bearing female population get busy bearing children. 

Karl Marx taught these Commies that workers should control the means of production, and Kim Jong Un wants those workers seizing those means and working at full capacity around the clock. He wants them fucking like it's their patriotic duty, because it is. These Socialist Mothers for the Motherland need to take the hammer to their diaphragms and the sickle to their condoms. Dear Leader has a Five-Year Plan for bountiful baby crops, and they'll need to meet his projections in order for it to succeed. 

I mean sure, the cynic might suggest that maybe if raising a baby in his Socialist Worker's Paradise wasn't a miserable, Chekovian existence bereft of all hope, his citizen subjects might want to reproduce. Even enjoy the process. Or, if he didn't send them off to death camps for Wrongthink, he wouldn't be facing people shortages. But that's exactly the kind of attitude you'd expect from the bourgeois pigs of the decadent Capitalist West. He's encouraging everyone to have Nick Cannon-levels of unprotected sex like he's the Elon Musk of Southeast Asia. And given how he's like a secular god to his people, that dark, cloistered land is about to turn into one giant orgy of state-sponsored intercourse. 

So good luck, Dear Mothers. By my math, we'll know around June or July whether or not yoy followed orders and did your civic duty.