Knee Jerk Reactions to Week 13: Patriots vs. Chargers

Things to consider as I suffer for my art. Now it's your turn:

--To all the family and friends who have been texting because they're worried about me, I thank you. But there's no need for well-being checks here. I moved way beyond agonizing over this team. I started steering into the skid of the 2023 Patriots weeks ago. Now they've become something much bigger than just a football team with an astonishingly bad offense. They've become kitsch. They're that thing you enjoy ironically. You consume they're content just to see how bad it can get. And you'd be disappointed if they actually produced anything worthwhile. Their games have become a trip to a thrift store to check out the neckties with the Dancing Baby or a lamp with a frog king sitting on his throne. They're the pro sports' version of a movie with a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. They're The Star Wars Holiday Special. If they were music, they'd be the guitar player I got stuck listening to at Park Street station one time who was playing some atonal, off-key riff over and over again, and I finally noticed he had a sign which read "Pay Me to Stop." The difference being that this enterprising young man was intentionally as badly as he could. The fact the entire offensive side of the Patriots organization has actually been working on this since spring and can't even reach the red zone against the 24th defense in the league? That's something you have to accept, even embrace for the sheer insanity of it, otherwise it will destroy you. 

--Let's get into a few data points in an attempt to appreciate the sheer scale of the system-wide failure we're witnessing:

These factoids would be embarrassing if embarrassment was something we're still capable of. But that ship sailed a couple of dozen 3 & outs ago. The only thing I'm embarrassed about is how many hours of my summer I dedicated to studying up on what I thought would be the Pats offense. I watched a bunch of Bill O'Brien coaching clinics, some of them several times over, to understand his concepts and nomenclature and how he approaches attacking certain coverages. I bought a book on the 2017 Patriots passing schemes and would read it on the beach. And all that time invested would've been better spent brushing up on the 1920-29 Dayton Triangles. That's on me. Even with my toes in the water and my ass in the sand, I was being a Try Hard. It's a mistake I won't repeat.

--To my credit though, one mistake I'm no longer making is hoping for results. I've quit burning the calories required to believe O'Brien's offense is capable of making a big play. So for instance when Bailey Zappe put some air under a pass 40 yards upfield to a streaking Tyquan Thornton with two full steps on Deane Leonard, not for one microsecond did I allow myself to believe he'd make the catch:

Believe me, it's taken a lot of hard work and discipline to condition my brain in this manner. And also a lot of dropped passes. By letting this beautifully executed, perfectly placed spiral go right through his palms, he was simply joining the club of every other wideout on this roster. If he'd hauled that one in, he'd probably have alienated everyone in the next wide receiver meeting. Like that kid who aces the test everyone else got a D on, and ends up throwing off the curve. 

--What really disturbs me though, is I'm 99% sure I was hoping Thornton would drop that one. Maybe as part of my wish from last week's KJR that all the bad things that can happen to a team happen to this one, this season, to appease the angry football gods. It's possible I was thinking about their draft position. But I think it was more immediate than that. It was more like how when you're watching a guy pitch a No-Hitter, you root for history. Even if it's your own team getting skunked, you find yourself hoping for outs. We had the chance to see yet another below average NFL defense toss a No-No at this team, and I didn't want to see it marred by an act of competence. This is what the 2023 season has done to me. And I got my wish. Hang onto those ticket stubs!

--As far as Zappe goes, what can anyone say? That he was better than Mac Jones has been? Pay a lady a backhanded compliment like that in polite company and you'd better brace for impact, mister. Because you're about to be on the receiving end of a Skinny Girl cocktail facial. Just finishing the game made Zappe better than Jones. But you'll have to forgive me for pushing back against the kind of Grade Inflation where you give a quarterback passing marks when didn't score a point or reach the red zone. I'm not teaching at Harvard, here. I demand results.

--Based on the game plan, I'm guessing that Zappe's Prime Directive from Belichick's Starfleet Command was: "Do Not Turn the Ball Over." He had five completions on 12 attempts for 39 yards in the 1st half. Of those five, three were at or behind the line of scrimmage. Another was for 2 air yards, and the longest traveled 8. That's the very definition of coaching not to lose and just hoping your defense (we'll get to them) can either put you in a position to score or score for you. Belichick and O'Brien took the Parental Controls off Zappe somewhat in the 2nd half as his spray chart would indicate. With some honest-to-God attempts of more than 10 yards:

--One of Zappe's few highlights being this 27 yarder to DeVante Parker, running a Levels concept with him deep and Ezekiel Elliot underneath:

A nice play fake. He had to step away from pressure while keeping his eyes upfield, stepped up and delivered an accurate, well-timed throw. But beyond that one and the pass where Zappe made the mistake of putting the ball right between Thornton's palms, there weren't really any passes that Mrs. Zappe will find room for on the family Christmas card. Even on checkdowns and shallow crosses, there were too many misses. Too many throws behind his target. Too many times he took the easy toss when he had someone coming open for a bigger gain, like the second possession where he hit Rhamondre Stevenson on a Bubble screen that went nowhere and the cameras caught O'Brien practically gnawing on his headset mic in anger.

--Which by no means lets the Patriots coaches off the hook. Just because you're cheesed off at your players doesn't distract from the fact you put this all together. We're 13 weeks into the season and they still can't pass protect, particularly at either tackle spot. Khalil Mack is a mismatch to most OTs. And despite the fact he's been solid overall since sliding out to the RT spot, Michael Onwenu was no exception:

Yet I can recall a time not long ago where the Pats would take a talented pass rusher like Mack and use his aggressiveness against him. They'd Jiu Jitsu a JJ Watt or to go back a bit, Shawne Merriman, by running screens, Juke routes, toss sweeps or swing passes to the side he just vacated. The great Patriots 3rd down backs like James White or Kevin Faulk earned their incentive bonuses that way. Now they just leave Onwenu and Trent Brown/Conor McDermott (they split the LT reps about 2-to-1) on their own, throw a dollar in the collection box, and light a votive in prayer that their QB survives the play. 

--More frustrating still is the fact there is no 3rd down back on the roster. When Stevenson went down, all they had was Elliot to take 100% of the carries. This offense was always built with a power back, to be sure. But it was predicated on elite route runners who are tough and elusive in the backfield. Now it has redundant parts carrying and catching the ball and no third alternative. This game would've been the perfect situation for the heir apparent to James White. But they've never bothered to find one.

--O'Brien went almost exclusively to 11-personnel, with Parker, Thornton and Juju Smith-Schuster on the outside. Parker was good for just 4 catches on 9 targets and 64 yards. The other two combined for one catch on 2 targets and 11 yards. Which was a sit route up the seam by Smith-Schuster on the second possession. All Thornton was good for was running Ghost motion, which was so obviously  a set up for an eventual Jet sweep that I saw it coming from my couch:

And while anyone could know to a moral certainty it was coming, Brandon Staley's crew didn't identify the threat. As always, Chargers are gonna Charger:

Watching that again, while it was a good call and pulled off quite impressively, maybe in the future Parker might consider blocking some unblocked defender, instead of pointing and celebrating while the play is still going on. By the time Thornton crossed the 40, it looked like Parker was ready to pull out his phone to find a caterer and rent a bouncy castle. Play to the whistle used to be a thing around here. 

--I hate that it's taken me this long to get to the Patriots defense. They deserve better. But I say again, this is what 2023 had done to me. Once again they put in a dominating performance, despite carrying the full weight of the entire team on their mighty shoulders. This time, coming against the 10th highest scoring offense in the league. 

--Starting backwards and working toward the front, the secondary did their usual respectable job of switching coverages and keeping Justin Herbert uncertain of what he was looking at from snap to snap. To the point even Myles Bryant broke up a pass:

--When they were in man, it was mostly Jonathan Jones on Keenan Allen, and he held the most prolific receiver in the league to just 5 receptions on 9 targets for 58 yards. JC Jackson mostly drew the Quentin Johnston assignment, and was less successful. In fact, he was one bad drop by Johnston away from us having a very different conversation. Jalen Mills was handed the dossier of tight end Gerald Everett. Typically the bigger bodies have gone to Jones, Jabrill Peppers or Kyle Dugger. But Peppers manned the Robber safety spot dropping down from Cover-2, while Dugger stayed back alongside him or as the post safety. And while Everett had some catches, Mills had one of two pass break ups inside the Patriots 5-yard line, the other being Jones on Jalen Guyton at the goal line. One of the times they were in zone, which has been a weakness for them at times lately, Mack Wilson was able to jump a route from Stone Smartt to force a 3rd & 6. That PBU led to probably the best run stop of Josh Uche's career:

--Which brings us to the Front-7 (Front-6, really). The big bodies up front more or less dominated the line of scrimmage. Beginning with Davon Godchaux at the nose between Christian Barmore and a career high for Keion White at the tackles. Right from the first Chargers drive, Anfernee Jennings penetrated to stop Austin Ekeler (14 carries, 18 yards, 1.29 YPA) and set a tone that lasted all game. If nothing else this season, this defensive line, as well as Ju'Whaun Bentley and Jalani Tavai at the second level, have proven to be keepers as the roster gets reconstructed starting on Monday, January 8th.

--But if Amazon Prime is looking for a Patriot to put in their promos for the Pittsburgh game instead of Belichick, allow me to suggest the best player on the roster all season: Bryce Baringer. That 71 yard punt drew a yellow highligher through the fact he's our MVP.

--This Week's Applicable Movie Quote: "Look at you. You used to be so cocky. You were going to go out and conquer the world. … What are you but a warped, frustrated young man? A miserable little clerk crawling in here on your hands and knees and begging for help. … You're worth more dead than alive!" - Mr. Potter, It's a Wonderful Life

--Finally, a note to everyone who had the misfortune of going to this game. In the days of my misspent youth, my brothers used to take me to games at the old stadium. They're some of my fondest childhood memories. And for sure it wasn't because we were seeing a quality team run by competent ownership in a beautiful state-of-the-art facility that made the whole fan experience a joy and everyone in the stands was on their best behavior. Most of the time it was the exact opposite. The players that could shoot their way out of town often did, ownership was bankrupt, the stadium was built like Communist Bloc slum, and in the stands it was like Lord of the Flies with beer and pot. Yesterday brought back a lot of those memories, right down to the throwback uniforms, the throwback score, and the throwback Won-Loss record. But the people who turned out to see it were a much better class of humans than we had in my formative years. I've had my issues with the Real Housewives of Foxboro when things were going good with this franchise. But yesterday you did yourselves proud, yet had nothing to show for it. Except my respect: