South Carolina Coach Shane Beamer's Family Didn't Invite Him to Halloween Because He's 2-6

Rough week for college football coaches in the state of South Carolina. Especially the bad ones. First, Dabo Swinney gets grilled for 3 minutes by Troy in Spartanburg on live radio for being 4-4 (to be fair Troy in Spartanburg is an ungrateful douche, but as a Dabo hater I enjoyed the call). On top of that, speaking ungrateful douches, how about Shane Beamer's kid?

Saturday Down South - His wife figured Beamer would be working, but then his son chimed in and said it was because the South Carolina head coach was 2-6 and needed to be in the office.

It looks like Beamer can’t escape criticism even in the comforts of his own home.

“I can take criticism because I get it from own family. I facetime my wife and kids every day. Today they were telling me that my son, Hunter, has a Halloween parade at his school,” said Beamer at Tuesday’s presser. “I was there for it last year, because it was on a Monday. My wife was telling me that he had that today and I said, ‘Why didn’t you guys tell me about it?’ My son said it’s because you’re 2-6 and need to be in the office working. Please don’t think I can’t take criticism because I get it worse at home.”

Sorry, sorry I shouldn't call a child a douche. I don't really think that. It was just a nice clean transition. I actually feel bad for the kid. I'm sure he'd love to have his dad watch him parade around school in a Deion Sanders costume. But he couldn't in good conscious pull him away from his underachieving football program. 

Poor kid. I bet loves his school Halloween parade. I bet he's hoping to participate in it again next year. Columbia, SC is a beautiful city. But if his father can't get his shit together and rip off a few wins in the back half of the season, he can kiss Columbia goodbye. Daddy will be coaching offense at Northwestern by springtime. 

Oh my god... kid... then you're going to have Darren Rovell in your life. You'll probably have to eat dinner with him or something. Darren is gonna bring you some old "civil rights" memorabilia, and you'll have to pretend to be excited about it and everything.

"Ohhh wow, thank you Darren. This 'whites only' drinking fountain will look great next to my race car bed."

Then he's going to tell you this story like, "You know when I was your age I talked to girl once. Here's her picture I still keep in my wallet". 

And you'll just have to take it. Because for some reason dad says you have to be nice to Darren. That's going to be your life if dad cant right the ship.

Ok, Shane. Now I'm talking to you. Get the fuck back in the office. Your son is two steps ahead of you. You don't have time for Halloween. You're on the chopping block, and Northwestern is actively looking for a new coach. Your qualifications as a fired SEC coach fit the bill perfectly. For the love of god you have a borderline first round draft pick playing quarterback for you right now. You should really be able to win some games with that. Draw up some new plays, mix in some creative formations, hire Connor Stallions to work for you staff, inject your whole team with horse steroids, anything you need to do avoid the looming friendship of Darren Rovell. It's right around the corner.