Nicky Smokes Is Clueless And It's Time To Write Down Life's Unwritten Rules

Let me kick things off by saying one thing loud and clear - Nicky Smokes is an interesting young dude. Maybe because I'm on the doorstep of 40 and he was nearly born this century, but the kid makes me laugh. I'm not sure how you don't laugh watching the clip above. My man literally thought you should place to napkin over the top of your food to protect it against flies or something. We won't get into how putting your napkin on your plate is a faux pas because it wasn't the Top Manners draft. I digress. 

Speaking of Nicky Smokes, make sure to tune into The Dozen tonight as we take on Foreplay. Nicky was a welcomed new team member of the Con Men. For those of you continuing to hate me in The Dozen, you're going to want to tune in tonight. 

If you're thinking this topic looked familiar it's probably because you saw my tweet that Commissioner Ed filed away for a rainy day

Watching this draft, I was concerned for the younger generation. Not only did Nicky take Rico's pick extremely literally but at one point he said it was okay to not pick up your dog's poop. 

He tried explaining it away as fertilizer and good for the soil blah blah blah but Christ on the cross, leaving your dog's poop is the direct opposite of the unwritten rule of always picking up after your dog.  I guess we have to write all these rules down somewhere if Generation Born After TRL Premiered is going to leave their dog poop strewn about our neighborhoods. Imagine Nicky Smokes walking his dog and throwing you a "you're welcome" after his dog drops a heater on your front yard? We can't have it. 

For the youths, allow me to highlight some of the picks from the Draft and drop in some that weren't mentioned. 

Rico - Never show up empty handed

As you could see above, this is the exact unwritten rule I mentioned in my tweet and is further proof that Rico and I have more in common than you'd think. It's basically the golden rule. The guys went into good detail how this applies to any situation when going to someone's house but it warrants that discussion. I'd rather you show up with a crappy cake that no one is going to eat because cake stinks instead of empty handed. One more point - whatever you bring, you leave. If you bring beer or liquor and it isn't opened, you don't grab it on your way out. That was a gift for the host. If they don't want it, that's up for them to decide what to do with it. Hint: if a host INSISTS you take something home that you brought, chances are you brought something terrible…but hey, at least you brought something. 

Rico - Never take your jacket off at a wedding

That was fun while it lasted, huh? This is such a dated take. His rationale is that it's the bride and groom's most important day so you should respect them by leaving your jacket on for the duration of the reception. Sure, in 1953 when weddings were mostly a sit down affair. Now, if your reception doesn't transform into a full blown dance party with people leaving it all out on the floor, then I don't want to be there. Leaving your jacket on is a recipe for passing out from heat exhaustion. 

Mall maps

I forget how this came up but I think it's awesome that mall directories are touch screen now. By the way, bring back malls. I loved malls. Still do. Let's all link up on Fridays at the mall, cruise through the posters at Spencer's, hit the food court, and catch a movie. 

Let's hit the rules that weren't mentioned:

Everyone helps clean

This is pertaining to when you do a vacation house, airbnb, shore house, or any situation where a large group of people make a mess of someone's house. Don't be the freeloader who sleeps until 11a and comes downstairs once everything is tidy. Wake up, start emptying floaters, and do your part. I've woken up to some disasters in shore houses and it's all clean in a matter of 20 minutes if everyone is helping. 

Never go to Vegas for more than 3 days

That's it. That's the limit. Anything longer and you're going to do something you'll regret, lose money you don't have, and overall just limp home. Arrive Thursday night and take the first flight home Sunday. Even 3 is stretching it a bit depending on your activities. 

Leaders eat last

This is a remnant from my days in the Army but it's applicable to everyday situations. As a parent or a host for any event, make sure everyone else gets their plate and is taken care of before you sit down to eat. 

Return your grocery cart

This one has become a popular discussion point in recent years on social media but it truly is a good barometer of which folks are the trash bags of society. Too many of you are okay with being a trash bag. Like Mr. Rogers said, be a helper. 

Flash your high beams on the highway to let others know there is a cop 

This is one that I've seen less and less as I've gotten older and I'm not sure why. Maybe because there are apps that alert you to speed traps now but even still, there's nothing wrong with being courteous to your fellow motorists. What if folks don't have the apps? Saving someone from a speeding ticket is doing God's work.

Pay for the caddy at your friend's club

This one is obviously specific to golfers but it feels like somehow the younger generation hasn't picked this one up yet. If you're a guest at a club that requires caddies, make sure you pay for yourself and your host. Often times, hosts will decline this gesture but you still need to make the effort. Most guys aren't going to bang you for your food and drinks so the least you can do is take care of the caddy.

There you have it; a small snippet of life's unwritten rules written down so you can't use the excuse you didn't know.