Dumping Them Out: My Biggest Regret
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I would be remiss if I didn't open up this episode of Dumping Them Out with the undisputed tweet of year from my co-worker Josh Pray. It was a truly special tweet, and Josh deserves his flowers for it. It's also a tweet that is extremely on brand for Dumping Them Out.
That's most relatable tweet these eyes have seen since. The most relatable content since people started using the word content to describe content. Thank you Josh Pray. Non-descript Miami Hurricane's player being fed up with his stupid coach costing his team the game my refusing to kneel the ball and saying "What the fuck are we doing? What the fuck are we doing?" is exactly like when you're having a threesome with 2 hot women, and your sex is so desirable that they demand 4 more rounds. That's 5 total rounds. That's back to back to back to back to back threesomes. I truly think that might be my favorite tweet of all time. God bless you Josh Pray. Go Gators.
I'm pleased to inform you that I have found myself in the midst of an Indianapolis Colts blog war. Barstool Vibbs has officially entered the Barstool Sports Indianapolis Colts Blogosphere.
I want to be clear that I'm not mad about this. Not one iota (shoutout Danny Boy Canes). If I was mad, then why would I be publicly declaring how not mad I am? That wouldn't make a lick of sense. It's actually encouraging. It's nothing but good news for the 6 Colts fans who rely on Barstool Sports for their up-to-the-minute Colts news. The Colts beat is hot right now. Anthony Richardson breaks his shoulder 2-3 times per week. That's more than a single journalist can keep up with. Not to mention, ever since Dave called out the entire company for not blogging whatsoever, it's been every man for himself. So game on Vibbs. If it's a Colts blogging war you want, it's a Colts blogging war you'll get. If you want to let the good readers of Barstool know how Josh Downs is really coming into is own as a rookie receiver, or how Shane Steichen is slowly proving himself to be a top head coach in the NFL, you better be quick with it. Because these Colts takes are going to be flying off my fingers hot & fast. (unless I don't feel like it. I honestly kind of hate blogging sports and I never feel like I'm actually qualified enough to right informative Colts blog)
Anyways, for those keeping score at home, that's Colts' Bloggers 2 - Dallas Cowboys' Bloggers 0. Colts fans up huge.
NEXT TOPIC: I didn't know that this had been made public until the other day when I heard it said on an old episode of The Yak. But now that it's been mentioned, I'm going to share with you my single biggest regret since I've started at Barstool Sports. It isn't not moving to Boston for the Kirk Minihane producer job. It isn't not moving to Chicago so I could work in a fantasy factory (although both of those are very regrettable). It's the fact that I accidently blew the whistle on a Ben Mintz blog titled FIRED By PENN to RE-HIRED by Dave Portnoy: The Story Of The Summer of 2023.
It was the morning of firing day. Not The Yak firing day, but real life "25% of our employees are no longer with us" firing day. It was a horrible vibe in the office that morning. It felt as if we were all in some sort of "who can be the saddest about our friends losing their jobs" competition. For example, The Yak was on a break that week, and I really wanted to tweet, "Ironic how The Yak isn't doing a show on actual firing day." But when I ran that by my co-workers they looked at me like I was the biggest piece of shit human to ever exist simply for even considering that joke. In fairness, they were probably right. So I decided against it.
Then I opened up the blog. It was around 10am, and I saw the forementioned Mintzy blog scheduled for 11am. I thought, holy shit that's hilarious awful. I can't believe they're posting that today. That's when I made a regrettable decision. I made a joke about how savage it was that we're posting such a blog on a day like today. Turns out the editors didn't realize it was scheduled. As soon as they realized was about to hit the blog they pulled it down. To this day I think if I wouldn't have said anything, that blog would have gone up. It would have caused problems, but it would have been an ALL-TIME Mintzy moment. That blog never got posted. I'm sure it's a combination of it being insensitive to those who lost their jobs, and the fact that Mintzy writes at a 3rd grade level. But damn… that would have been wild. Whether you think it's fucked up or not, you have to admit that blog being posted on firing day would have been fireworks.
One more thing. While I'm getting stuff off my chest. I had a my first Barstool Sports related mental breakdown yesterday. I feel like I was due for that. I had a very hilarious and very topical tweet that featured a video of a man swinging a sledge hammer into a tractor tire. I cleverly captioned it, "What is the opposite of an ick". Viral city. Then I sat back to watch magic happen. Unfortunately, the magic didn't happen. I believe it got 7 likes in a couple hours.
I thought to myself, "My god, I've been shadow banned". What else could possibly be the explanation for why such a perfect tweet received such little engagement. That broke bitch Elon is clearly sick and tired about depositing $32 in my bank account every month as a reward for carrying his stupid app with my humorous musings. Elon was clearly trying to shut me down. So I sent him an angry, and equally hilarous tweet to let him know that he won't be getting away with this. Shockingly, that tweet did nothing either. Stunning, I know.
Then I had a terrifying realization, "Could it be possible that I'm not as hysterically relatable as I previously thought? Is it possible my tweets aren't performing because they are actually bad. Then after about 20 minutes of frantically refreshing my Twitter feed, waiting for any of my past tweets to finally catch fire, I impulsively deleted all of them. Like a god damn coward. I think it's safe to say that was hands down the most pathetic thing I've done since I've started at Barstool.
But then after an hour of questioning my worth as a human, wonder what employment opportunities I'll have when my contract in inevitably not renewed, I snapped out of it. I thought, "Ok you fucking psycho, maybe chill out for a second. It's not that serious." Then I got really embarrassed about how much a cared. Then I had a few Corona's and got over it. Alcohol fixed my problems yet again. A healthy crutch that has yet to fail me. And now I'm all fixed. Viva.