My Petition to Become Portnoy's Personal "Scalloper"

By now news of Dave's historic purchase is old news but in light of finding out it doesn't even have a secret tunnel, I'm sure plenty of you are still scratching your heads wondering why his Nantucket retreat cost more than triple Drake's 12,500 square foot "Yolo Estate",

more than triple Obama's 6,892-square-foot, Martha's Vineyard property complete with ample closet space 

and even more than Tom Brady and Gisele's former 12,112 square foot Brookline palace

Is owning Barstool really more lucrative than having more hits than the Beatles, winning 7 Super Bowls while married to one of the world's highest paid models, and running the free world for 8 years? Did the elites who demanded N Magazine apologize for publicizing the Barstool Fund band together to jack up real estate prices in a fruitless attempt to keep Dave off the Island?

Judging by Dave's twitter you'd think the price tag may have had something to do with ferry views.

But no no no, in last night's rundown we found out the real reason Portnoy's pad is worth so much and they taste delicious pan seared! 

Boston Globe. Getty Images.

Boston Globe. Getty Images.

Thats right folks, SCALLOPS 

Dude's house is a scallopers wet dream. Only inches away from one of the premiere scallop grounds in the country! And these aren't just any scallops but Nantucket Bay Scallops, the freshest, sweetest, tastiest jewels of the sea!

Boston Globe. Getty Images.

Now I'm all for Portnoy getting in the mollusk game but we have a few issues that could make that easier said than done. On the rundown Dave says "while you guys are sitting in cold weather, I'm gonna be scalloping". Unfortunately, Nantucket residents can't start harvesting scallops until October 1st, with the commercial season not starting until November 1st. 

(NHA.ORG) Family scalloping, or recreational scalloping as it is properly called, begins on October 1st and runs to March 31st. Family scallopers can gather one bushel per week, using manual techniques only, such as pushrakes or dipnets, while wading, diving, or snorkeling. It is called family season because these scalloping adventures are ideal times for families to gather and reunite over the common task of collecting, opening, and cooking the prized shellfish, and symbolically putting the summer tourist season to rest.

Commercial scalloping begins on November 1st and lasts through March 31st. Permits must be applied for by March 31st of the previous year, and cost $250.00. 

So if Dave wants to collect these Scallops himself he'll have to be digging through muddy tidal flats in the notoriously chilly Autumnal air of New England while Big Cat and KFC sit inside watching football from the comfort of their warm couches. My Presidente has delivered too many papers to be exposing himself to the elements like that while his inferiors pop Pumpkin Spice Stella Blue pods.

The other problem we have is that almost all the rich and beautiful people of Nantucket begin retreating to their even larger primary homes after labor day and I'd expect someone as handsome and wealthy as Portnoy to do the same, especially when he needs to spend 183 days in Miami for tax purposes. Don't worry tho Dave, I have found the perfect solution.

My Official Petition to Become Portnoy's Personal Scalloper:

Having grown up in a costal Massachusetts town just like you, I've always been a salty guy who has no issue getting his hands dirty

So here is what I propose to you. Every Fall when you head back to your tropical tax haven, I'll throw on my waders and gloves, grab my sand rake and bushel basket, and head to your Nantucket compound for a full week of scalloping. Every morning 6AM-Noon I'll dredge the sands around your property collecting as many mollusks as humanly possible, then in the afternoons I'll pack them on dry ice and have them sent directly to your Miami mansion where you can enjoy them pool side while sipping a chilled dry glass of Riesling or High Noon Tequila Seltzer. How appealing does that sound? You wouldn't even have to see or talk to me. You could just go about your life in Miami knowing every couple of days you'd have fresh scallops from your back yard in Nantucket, delivered to your front door in Florida. 

Now while you did say I could go hippo mode at your first Nantucket house once,

I know we don't have the closest relationship and it's asking a lot to stay at your boss's dream house for a week. So that being said I'm willing to make some concessions and abide by these rules (and any other rules you see fit). 

• I won't step foot inside the main house. The guest house will do just fine (view from guest house to main house pictured below).
  
  
• I will only use my tools to dig in the sand and not your yard or basement in search of secret tunnels.

• Any damage to the property can come directly from my paycheck.

• I will not pee on, near, or around your deck. Will only urinate in the guest house toilet bowl and in my waders if I don't have time for a bathroom break while yanking shells.

• No parties.
• No guests unless I receive explicit verbal or written permission from you first. 
• Will eat no more than 6 of the scallops I harvest each day (neogitable). Rest get shipped overnight to Miami.
• No drugs that you wouldn't do.
• Will not galavant around the island bragging that I'm staying at your house. Will keep a low profile as just a simple scalloper on a mission to reap the sea's bounty. 
• (insert any other rules you see fit).

Also, the beginning of Scallop season is around the time Nantucket residents should think about winterizing their summer homes. If you let me scallop at your house for a week each Fall I will be happy to winterize your house free of charge, which would include: (Source: NantucketRealEstate.com)

• Shut off the water at the main 
• Open all faucets and drain all water lines 
• If the house will be vacant for a long time open all toilet lids and seats and cover the bowls with saran wrap 
• Drain pool and winterize it 
• Drain any other sources of exterior water, such as a fountain 
• Check any appliances with water (refrigerator with water dispenser, washing machine, etc) and remove water filter from inside the refrigerator
• Turn down thermostats to above freezing to keep things dry if you leave your heating system on 
• Unplug all appliances 
• Shut off gas and hot water heaters
• Clean out refrigerator and freezer 
• Remove all food from pantry
• Guard against insects and rodents 
• Remove any items that could freeze  
• Store outdoor furniture  Protect the yard and gardens 
• Have the irrigation system winterized
• Wash all fabrics – towels, bedding, linens 
• Vacuum carpets and floors  Remove all fire hazards 
• Close flues and dampers 
• Redirect mail to your Miami address 

I am being 100% serious about this. All I ask is you seriously consider my proposal as well. Most Nantucket residents don't already guys on payroll eager to extract mollusks for them. Hope to hear from you soon.