There Is ONE Thing That Would Have Made Seiya Suzuki's Epic Fuckup Even Better Last Night...

Kevin C. Cox. Getty Images.

ICYMI, last night Cubs RF Seiya Suzuki dropped (misjudged? choked? lost?) the most routine can of corn in MLB history:

If I'm being completely honest, I felt like 3% bad for the Seiya Suzuki and Seiya Suzuki only. Everyone else can get fucked. Don't feel bad for the Cubs, don't feel bad for that little runt Nick Madrigal, and especially don't feel bad for those cocky ass fans. 

I do kinda/sorta feel for Suzuki though. I guess I'm somewhat human? That only lasted like 5 seconds though so idk, but I'd bet my bottom dollar the entire Cubs' dugout was scoreboard watching while they were in the middle of last night's game and definitely saw this…

…so Suzuki dropping that routine flyball must have crippled him knowing he most likely completely fucked up the Cubs' postseason chances. Unless he was in deep with sharks and dropped it on purpose and this got him out of dodge? I guess there's a non-zero chance of that, since it was THAT routine of a play. 

In that case, good for him. Doubtful though. 

Enough of that. More importantly, there's the 97% of me who's laughing my tits off at Cubs fans, those cocky twats. Scrolling through Twitter last night and watching the reaction from that fanbase was the minuscule taste of joy I needed to keep me alive and moving along in the treacherous life that is my White Sox, Bears and Northwestern fandom. 

The ONLY thing that would have made last night's Seiya Suzuki choke job better for me is if former White Sock great Ron Santo were alive to call the play. Don't forget, this isn't the first time the Cubs have dropped a routine flyball to blow a postseason run: 

A lot of people probably haven't seen this video, but to me, it's some of the best porn on the entire internet. Mia Malkova, Bartman vs. Alou, 2005 World Series Highlights, and Ron Santo calling Brant Brown's dropped can of corn against the Brewers in '98 will be in my spank bank in perpetuity until the day I die. 

I mean it's a LEGENDARY meltdown, and it's one of the reasons I'll always love Ron Santo. Sure, he was a Cubs fan and I typically detest Cubs fans, but he wasn't just some dude who played and starred for them they paraded around as an ambassador, he is a FAN fan. He reacted to Cubs fuckups like some local 134 guy would drinking Miller Lite in his Hiawatha Park garage after a hard days work. 

The Cubs ran his life and I appreciated that about him.

And goddamn do I wish he were resurrected for last night's game because of that. The meltdown would have been biblical and something to add to this miserable loser's sports moments spank bank. And yes, I'm a goddamn LOSER. The biggest loser on earth. Nobody loses more than I do. That goes without say, and the fact that I'm sitting here writing a blog about how I wish a dead Cubs fan were alive to call last night's game proves every bit of that. I'm a pathetic, miserable loser.

Fuck the Cubs