Barstool Power Rankings: Dave Returns To The Mud
From the desk of the (co) Editor in Chief, welcome back to the Barstool Power Rankings!
I'll tell you what, even though Keegs kicked the Mean Girls out of the company, things have been just as spicy around here. It's next man or woman up at Barstool and never a dull moment. The Mean Girls were great drama, and as I said all along, all they had to do was show up and everything revolved around them for better or for worse but they couldn't handle the heat, c'est la vie.
Filling their spot at Barstool hasn't been easy, but TJ's dad is doing a formidable job. But remarkably, somehow, TJ's dad isn't the most embarrassing family member of a Barstool employee this week. It's like the Ken Griffey Jr/Stan Musial stat- somehow Ken Griffey has the second most all time hits by a left-handed outfielder born in Donora, Pennsylvania on November 21st. But more on that later.
Without sounding like a broken record, it was another drama-filled, chaotic week at Barstool. Not so much internally, but we witnessed the long awaited return of the hit piece. Man, reminds me of 2018 when people were just firing hit pieces nonstop, all filled with the same nonsense time after time after time. I feel we were rather hit piece-free for the last couple of years, but now with Dave back in the fold, the Barstool hating circle-jerk groupchat is lively once again, with authors whose bios start with "words at" all clamoring to 69 each other for calling Dave missogenic.
I guess I'll just get on my soapbox now and put in my 2 cents about the Washington Post fiasco- it's sorta sad, right? Growing up you think newspapers are where you turn to get the real news. Print journalism was always the one place in media you were told you can trust. And I'm sure there are still a ton of great journalists out there doing unbelievable work on important topics. And then you get this lady Emily Heil openly admitting she is writing a one-sided hatchet piece, and it makes you rethink everything. I always thought journalism was like the movie "Spotlight", but it turns out some of them, like Emily Heil, are no better than any ol' Joe Schmoe on the internet with a Twitter account and an agenda. If I was a real journalist at the Washington Post I'd be fucking furious after seeing Dave's video, which now has over 40 million views on Twitter alone. Bezos and the Post should be embarrassed, there is no way to defend it.
Alright so all that being said, let's get into the Power Rankings, shall we? As always I'll pass out a top 5, give out some needs improvements, and some other awards highlighting the week that was:
5) Kelly Keegs
You don't have to care about it to appreciate that Keegs, Madame President, has been all over the Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce beat. She's been on them every step of the way, even getting a shout out in the New York Post.
Keegs also understands and appreciates that some of us need our beauty sleep:
A respectful queen. (I wake up at 8:12 every morning for the record…but recently have been doing that old guy thing where no matter what time I go to bed, I am waking up before my alarm. It's troubling because since I'm an #editor, I'm often up til 2am, meaning I'm getting like 5 hours of sleep a night. Thank g*d for Stella Blue Coffee, now available in Pumpkin and Apple Crisp, or else I'd be committing murder-suicides on the regular).
4) TJ's Dad
As it turns out, TJ's Dad is the program director of Barstool Sports. The buck stops with him. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's probably for the best, but if you do know, it's extremely funny. TJ's Dad is watching everything, listening to everything, and is putting his 2 cents into everything. You think you're going to do a show while another show is going on? Not on TJ's Dad's watch, bucko:
#ThankYouTJsDad
Personally, I would be mortified if my dad was this online and chiming in on things about my job/profession/career. Seems like TJ takes it all in stride though.
If it was me, I'd be on the phone with every internet operator in my parents' zip code, bribing them to never allow my parents to access the web. I don't even like when my parents ask how work is, nevermind being directly involved. Gotta separate the two. Have to.
3) Dante The Don
The DON. Accolades for days. Top blogger, top DJ, top prepared in case of a zombie apocalypse or a hurricane hits Chicago.
I love this clip so much. Dante still hasn't fully processed Hurricane Katrina.
It was a very funny episode of Barstool Radio with the Don. We talked blog/behind the scenes things (good conversation!) but it ended up being more about his relationship with Gaz and Dave and stories about his go-bag. Guy just wants to go to Stats in Southie for Pete's sake!
Freakin' Gaz, man. Won't even eat mozz sticks with someone he's been to war with on the Blackout Tour. Miami changes a man, I guess.
The question is though, is Dante crazy?
I did fuck up and I now owe Dante a Lori Lightfood blog for dropping the ball on his Boebert blog. Keep being you, Dante, and don't let Gaz keeping Gaz'ing you!
And no Gaz, don't get any ideas, please don't dress up as Dante for Halloween this year.
2) Kirk Minihane
Give it up for Kirk, back to back weeks on the Power Rankings! This week, Kirk had the entire golf world, and I mean ENTIRE GOLF WORLD, debating one thing and one thing only: 4…or 5?
The amount of traction this clip got in the golf community is unworldly, and even spanned multiple continents with everyone chiming in their thoughts.
It also led to this all-time interaction with Dave:
And this blog from John Rich:
But Kirk wasn't done, he also called the shithead writer who was very high and mighty about his "article" about Pizza Fest on Twitter…and then cowered like a meerkat when given the opportunity to defend his words.
Why is it that these so-called journalists have no issue cold-calling or knocking on doors, but when someone does it to them, they act like it's World War 3? Hey Jeremy, defend yourself, you coward. All these people really want is to thump their chests and be able to say "look at me, I said Dave is bad!" and be called "brave" for doing literally nothing. It's a pathetic existence. I fucking hate this Jeremy guy and wish nothing but bad things happen to him in real life.
And finally, Kirk is having a PPV next week.
What a god damn company guy he is. I think I'm a Kirk Guy now? We had a good time choppin' it up on his show when he was in town that he was only 2 hours late for, which he texted me apologizing for, simply a class act.
And number 1 goes toooooo….
Call him Chef Donny because he's earned it.
1) Dave
Ok ok, the reason Dave is number 1 isn't because he added me to Surviving Barstool, but it certainly doesn't hurt his case either. I'm very excited to play, #DaveAndTheDawg gonna ride again.
He also took it upon himself to bump the prizepool to $100k.
Very generous!
But that aside, can you guys believe we went the last 2 odd years without THIS Dave?
The bossman is blogging again, getting in the mud again, mixing it up with his employees like it's the old days, it's amazing. I was basically dead with the way the company was trending as a full-blown gambling commercial. I was thinking about my future and what I'd do next, probably working at a coffee shop in Florida or something. And then Dave came back, saved my life (for now, I still have plenty of time to screw it up!) and honestly the Washington Post should write about THAT. It's hard not to get weirdly emotional thinking about it- he mad his 9 figures. He accomplished the American dream. And then he came back. Nobody does that. Sure things might get stressful, but if I ever complain about the job, shoot me in the face.
I will say a big thing that got buried due to the zillion other things that happened this week was Big Cat taking back a handshake agreement with Dave at Writer Cup:
Just something to remember when Surviving Barstool rolls around.
He also took the high road after that NJ dude attempted a hit piece. Very good of Dave to not say anything he actually wanted to say. Growth. Maturity. Portnoy.
The entire idea of trying to shut down a Pizza Festival which should be the happiest place on Earth just to get "atta boys" from randoms on Twitter is so insane to me. You gotta, GOTTA find a better reason to dislike Dave than "helping pizza places".
And the fact bozos like Jeremy and Emily want to call him missogenic when he doesn't even know what that word even is? Just bad reporting by them.
Dave is way too rich, but he fucking loves this stuff. We've always said it, no amount of money will ever make him as happy as getting in the mud or fucking with Rico Bosco or taking a shot at Smitty. That's what he truly lives for.
Needs Improvement:
1) Barstool Notre Dame Account
Nooooooooo. Hahahaha. You know how hard it is to get all of Twitter to agree to one thing…nevermind that one thing being pro-Ohio State? Well congrats to Barstool Irish, you did the impossible! Absolutely hilarious string of tweets. Won't someone think of the Catholics! Kevin Clancy put on a yarmulke after seeing those tweets. You can't talk trash and then go nooooooo, don't say something about the Catholics, we are touching fewer kids than ever these days! Credit where credit is due, no religion has seen a bigger decrease in institutional child abuse. Point, Barstool Irish.
2) I Don't Want To Talk About People's Family Members Because It Feels Wrong But He Inserted Himself First and Dave's Reply Was So Funny I Can't Just Ignore It Of The Week:
The reply is just so good. Not going to talk about it but I'd be doing the world a disservice by not including it in here somewhere. Again, very happy my family is not tragically online.
3) Nick
I'm speechless. Without speech. Just…wow.
Other Awards:
Sketch of the Week: Lost Plane
I love Out of Order banging out these super timely sketches. They turn them around in a matter of hours, Mikey Pavs is a wizard with this stuff. Shoot them a follow or what have you.
Jersey Jerry of the Week: Jersey Jerry
Some people love art. Some people love watching movies. Jerry loves feet. It's just his thing. We don't kink shame round these parts, so credit to him for asking the questions his feet-people wanted to know. That's a level of journalism the WaPo could only aspire to achieve.
Speaking of Jersey Jerry….
Frankie Shit Himself
What's with this company and people shitting themselves? Did I miss the memo? Is that one of the parameters for working at Barstool Sports? White, autistic, poop yourself. I already have two of those so I better brace myself, I could be next.
Finally Barstool Does Some Food Content Of The Week
Jordie behind the smoker? Sign me up!
I think that's all I've got this week. Make sure to drink your High Noons, gamble responsibly, and if you're gonna eat ass, make sure it's your mom's. Gosh bless.