An Oldie But A Goodie

Large9/19/2023 7:30 PM

This blog promises to be all over the road... Apologies in advance.

The internet continued to be stupid last week by starting yet another benign conversation, this time surrounding the question: "How often do you think of the Roman Empire?"

I tried to avoid that topic as much as possible. Still, through tangential social media osmosis, I reluctantly gleaned that women were unpleasantly surprised by how often men pondered ancient Rome.

Giphy Images.

I, myself, do not think of Rome's history hardly ever. That is, except for my fascination with one Roman in particular… Emperor Tiberius.

Here is a little Twisted History…

Tiberius was born in 42 BC, took over the position of Roman Emperor from Augustus in 14 AD, and served until the time of his death in 37 AD.

I won't get too granular on Tiberius' reign, but at some point, after the murder of his son, he decided to step away from the political arena. He delegated power to an advisor and then hid away on the island of Capri, where he constructed a ring of villas equipped with either fuck huts or torture chambers.

I'll skip the torture part, and get right to the sex… Tiberius turned Capri into a pervert’s paradise, and the centerpiece of Capri was a huge villa Tiberius had built for himself… The “Villa of Jove” which you can still visit today. It was at the Villa of Jove that the emperor held a large harem of young boys and girls and “played” with them before having them tossed off of a cliff.

Tiberius had pleasure gardens stocked with teenaged and prepubescent boys and girls, dressed in outfits from Greco-Roman myths and legends. He had them frolic, display themselves for his pleasure, and engage in sex on command with him or with each other.

And here is the one nugget that always stuck with me… He trained underage boys he called his “little fish” to swim between his thighs when he took a bath and nibble on his genitalia.

Look it up, if you'd like, or just take my word for it… The most powerful man in ancient Rome built himself an oasis filled with inappropriate sexual deviance and no one batted an eye… I am glad our society has come a long way from those perverted days.

Patrick McMullan. Getty Images.

But even as interesting as Tiberius and his precursor to Neverland Ranch may have been, I only think about him whenever I read about any other modern celebrity who decided that their work pretending to be other people on film garnered them the luxury of fucking with kids.

Kevin Winter. Getty Images.

In conclusion, I don't think about Tiberius (or any other part of the Roman Empire) quite as much as the people who were talking about it last week on TikTok.

HOWEVER!

There is something that I think about WAY too often, and I am almost embarrassed to say it.

Remember a clip from a while back where a wedding DJ slaps the living shit out of a woman's breasts?

I believe the original clip was from 2010, but there is no way to tell if the video was taken years before that.

Smitty blogged it in 2016, but as far as my searching skills are concerned, nobody has mentioned it on the blog since then. And yet I think about it every time…

I am at a wedding or any other event with a DJ.
I hear Gloria Estefan's 'Conga'.
I hear the drum solo from Phil Collins' 'In The Air Tonight'.
I play drums on a woman's breasts.

I have picked this fucking video apart like the Zapruder film counting 10 inexplicable public tit slaps (including one expertly-thrown backhand), and 13 years later I still don't understand what was going through the DJ's mind at the time.

Sure, it was probably late in the evening and he was over-served. But still, nobody molests their significant other on film in public like that without it being some sort of stunt for clicks. There was at least one infant present on the dance floor and another pre-teen sitting on the stage clearly within eyeshot of the seemingly-consensual mammary assault.

And not enough credit is given to the mulleted lady in jorts on the receiving end of that 10-punch combination… She barely flinched. She actually turned into his attack as if she'd "been waiting for this moment for all my life…"