Police Respond To Report Of “Ritual Mass Killing" That Just Turned Out To Be A Yoga Class

You have to feel bad for the poor women who wanted nothing more than to pay a $100 to achieve peak relaxation by laying down on the cold dark floor of their local observatory after a long hard day doing a puzzle of the Queen. Or whatever British women do I've never met one. 

Picture this, you're on the ground. Your yoga teacher walks around the room dressed like Stevie Nicks, burning sage at both ends like Kyrie Irving before a big game. The smells mix perfectly with the 36 different flavors (flavors?) of incense that are also burning in the room. There's another woman dressed even more like Stevie Nicks sitting cross-legged in the corner. In front of her is a series of sound bowls that make loud moaning noises like you would hear in the background of a Law & Order SVU episode while Mariska Hargitay and Ice-T walk into a monastery to confront a monk about a missing child. It's pitch black, and very very peaceful. But soon, the pleasant sounds of bowls are interrupted by police sirens in the distance. The sirens get closer and closer until they're right outside the door. All of the sudden 5 men in full riot gear bash through the front doors of the observatory with a battering ram. Next thing you know, BANG!- a stun grenade goes off. Everything turns white. Then BOOM!- smoke grenade time. Now you can't see for 2 reasons. Then one of those hornet nest things they use in prison riots goes off and hard rubber pellets fly around the room at 500 mph bouncing back and forth off the walls and floors. What you were expecting to be a pleasant drama free yoga class has turned into a blood bath. 

That's not at all what happened here but it would be crazy if it did. It was just a classic non-violent misunderstanding. People don't mind their business like they used to. Just a couple of noisy passersby's who had never seen corpse pose, and probably watched 1 too many cult documentaries. 

However, if you think about it, that's kind of the perfect end to a yoga session. I know a police squad interruption isn't what the class-goers signed up for. But you know what's better than manufactured relaxation? The feeling of relief. Like when you wake up from a bad dream and realize everything is ok. Or when you see Ashton Kutcher come running from around the corner while the IRS is seizing your home and you realize the whole thing is just an episode of Punk'd. The relief of not being arrested? You can't pay for that feeling. 

That also doesn't really apply at all here, because I don't think the cops aggressively charged into the yoga class with their guns drawn. I don't think anybody in the class felt like they were in danger. It sounds like the whole situation was actually pretty calm, and more funny/annoying that anything else. In all honestly, this blog was mostly just me exaggerating a situation for the sake of making a few jokes. Still a funny premise though.