I Have Never Been More In On Viral Plane Lady

Consider this me shooting my shot as the kids say.

Tiffany, babe, I’ll be honest here. When everybody was screaming about how hot you were when that fateful video first surfaced, I thought it was a bit of an overreaction. 

Attractive? Sure.

Smoking hot? Not my cup of tea. (No offense.)

I figured it was more so the whole “prison hot” effect at work. You know what prison hot is right? It’s when you’re hot by comparison to what all the other options are. I.e. when you’re in prison, options aren’t so great so you grade far higher than you would amongst general pop.

Obviously a plane isn’t prison, by metaphorically speaking, it kind of is. It’s hell in the skies. People trapped amongst the dredges of society and people they’d otherwise never want to be around. All in the name of getting somewhere they need to be.

It’s also a double entendre in this case (yah, my vocabulary’s above a 10th grader, nbd). In the sense that 99.8% of the people appearing in viral videos are mutants. So I think people were just shocked to see a well put together, (I gave you that), lady as the subject of the video, and were quick to deem her “a smoke”.

My peers here at Barstool were equally guilty. But they think anything with a vagina is worthy of being referred to a smokeshow.

I blogged about you last week, after video surfaced of the man* you freaked out on-

And I included your very well done, and extremely professional apology video. As well as your totally not orchestrated picture sitting on your kitchen floor pr statement. 

And I’d be lying if I didn’t admit butterflies started to flutter.

And now, today, seeing this video of some creep paparazzo harassing you at the airport, where you looked breathtaking, I feel like Cupid's arrow has pierced me right between the shoulder blades.

The hair-tied-up look really does it for you. (Why don’t more girls go with this look? I know I’m not alone in being a sucker for this look on a woman). Even Drake agrees.

As do the hoop earrings. (Probably the most subtle, yet sexiest accessory a female can sport). And you pull them off flawlessly. 

Not too heavy on the makeup. Beautiful smile. Perfect complexion. High cheekbones. I'll admit it, I'm a fool for not seeing what all the other guys saw at first glance. 

The losers on the internet are calling you "crazy". I think you couldn't be further from it. 

Obviously, the powers that be and alphabet agencies are censoring you, forbidding you to speak on the shapeshifter/alien you encountered. They probably threatened you and your loved one's lives if you spoke publicly about it. Fuck them. And fuck needing to convince anybody you're not crazy. Let the haters hate. 

I need zero convincing. 

I've known lizard people exist and aliens are living amongst us forever. There's like half a dozen of them working at Barstool Sports, believe it or not. One of them is my editor. But I've been called crazy too. Who cares? Crazy is better than boring. 

I know you're in marketing/public relations so you know how to reach people. If you'd like to go out sometime/exchange emails/anal sometime, let me know. I'm very interested. (In all or some of the above). Respectfully.