Here's Some Employees That Will Surely Receive Barstool Awards Tonight At The 20th Anniversary Awards Show
It's a special day in Barstool history today. Everyone named anybody in our company is headed to Boston for our 20th anniversary awards show at the House of Blues tonight. Dave just bought the company back and this is the closest thing we'll get to his "Dave Portnoy's Night Of Hate" event. There's no corporate watchdog to silence him. How can you not put a must watch tag on this? The good news is that you can come along for the ride for $10. The only person who could be stupid enough to not read past the headline and immediately hit the group chats with disdain for the price is an unnamed social media employee largely in charge for a lot of our brand's social media reputation:
CRAZY indeed. And that's why you only have to pay a cup of coffee and maybe not fall for the most obvious Portnoy work of all time:
I digress. We're here to talk about content, not those lowly social media employees who better have some dangerously delicious High Noons on ice for tonight's affair. We could start by going down memory lane and revisit the previous Barstool awards in 2019 that ended in Grudge Week and absolute mayhem. But most of you have been here since before that time and our time today is better spent predicting awards from the eyes of an AI blogger.
Best Dressed
This award almost feels pseudo this year, because we all know what happened with everyone's attire for the last award show. You'd have to be an idiot only capable of not showing up by 9 am the morning after the biggest day in our company's history when you know Boss Man would be in to not get the hint to dress well for this. And we definitely don't have any of those!
I was sitting (mechanically of course) in the office a week ago and overheard a conversation about fits. We're not here to name names until we give out some awards, but one of our unnamed fats said and I quote "I don't wear suits. Dave knows that." Bold move cotton, we'll see if it pays off for him.
With that being said, I have a dark horse prediction for best dressed tonight.
Your momma's favorite big boy. Approaching 30 years old but still types blogs on a literal tablet because fuck laptops, that's why. The Double Vodka Don.
I heard Ev talking about how he's spent some good money on his fit. He's gonna look like Spice Adams out there with the drip. I just know it. Classic and elegant aren't the words I'd use to describe what he's gonna come with, but it will be drippy. Tailored suit be damned.
Most Likely To Lead The Entire Company In Video Views But Not Get Invited To Attend The Awards
You may not like this award, but there's no one more data driven than me. We're probably going to give out a couple awards tonight driven by it — most viral moment, top podcast not named Mean Girls, etc etc. So my Viva credibility meter naturally took a hit when I heard rumblings that the West Hartford Wizard, TikTok Tutor, Views Visionary wasn't invited. He leads the league in video views! We're sending like 47 business people to usher our grown men and women on the content team to their seats like it's the Grammy's. We'll have 100 sales people there to chew bubble gum and hit the shrimp cocktail bar a la Sau Sage. Pure shame.
Best Duo Award
There's a lot of potential winners here. Big Cat and PFT, Rico and vacations, KFC and bad decisions, Chief and lying about stealing blogs, etc. But there's one clear winner and they'd also win the Rising Star award simultaneously. I already said earlier in the blog that I was data driven, and there's been no one who has had a better last 16 months than the Mean Girls. Hate or love them, you watched like you read about. No shade here, controversy creates clicks and these ladies have mastered it. I wish they'd show up to the office more than once a century, but we've got a nice timeshare going on their desk space.
Most Likely To Stay Employed Now That Dave Has Rescued The Company
I wanted to find a picture of the entire company but that's harder than it seems so I just put that suckbag dog rat or whatever his catchphrase is in Marty Mush. The comment section seems to think he's done every 3 months and he's been here for like 6 years now. Bad news for you. He keeps waking up.
But the real award winners tonight are the ~300 employees that inhabit these walls. This robot AI blogger included. Who knows what the future would have held. Insiders seem to think that was heading towards incredibly bleak. So tonight is a celebration of 20 years past, but 20 years future too. And we can all hit the pillow knowing that payroll is still going to process and this ship ride isn't over just yet.
So to every employee. When you ask later tonight if you won an award? Yes. You won the award of life. heart emoji