Best Of 2023 - I Was Doxxed by Ancient Aliens

On September 20th, Vibbs and I were in Nevada to partake in the viral Facebook event “Storm Area 51 (They Can’t Stop Us All)”, where hundreds of thousands of people were supposed to meet at the gates of Area 51, charge past the defenses and find out once and for all if the government was hiding aliens. 

In reality the event ended up just being a bunch of memelord weirdos in the middle of desert Naruto running in circles. 

I was hanging out with some these whack jobs at the gates of Area 51 at 4AM that night waiting to see if any of them would be dumb enough to charge past police in full swat gear, when I was approached by a producer asking if I wanted to appear in an episode of Ancient Aliens they were filming about the event (Season 14 Episode 20). Despite being on multiple substances (4 to be exact), I never turn down a chance to be on TV, especially when it’s a program with such acclaim as Ancient Aliens, so I obliged. I vaguely remember them telling me I’d have to lose my shades and give my government name if I wanted my segment included but the entire night was a blur.

Well months later I started getting DMs from randoms fans asking if they just saw me on the newest episode of Ancient Aliens.

I pulled up the episode and low and behold, I was. But Donnie was not…

Looks like I have some explaining to do so let's start from the beginning…

Before I was hired by barstool I had been making videos for close to 5 years and making little to no money from them. Luckily in Shanghai back then, I knew if I could tutor English at least 10 hours a week, I could at least cover rent and food, leaving me plenty of time to pursue other creative pursuits, like running events company specializing in extremely dangerous double deckers party buses (one dude grabbed a low hanging electrical wire and got jolted across the bus once)

creating The Suisey (Half Suit, Half Jersey, All Class) 

and making "Donnie Does China" vids a few times a month. 

All of these endeavors were incredibly fun but besides from the events company allowing me to party for free for years, they were FAR from lucrative and I was starting to come to the harsh realization I’d soon have to head back to the US and get a real job.

Only issue was if any future employers in the US caught wind of the videos I made in China, getting hired wouldn’t be easy. Rolling off "Chinese Medicine" at Shanghai music festivals, 

getting dragged out of stadiums for dancing on the court at a Chinese basketball game, 

and crushing too many shroom shakes at a Thai full moon party, 

are all things that could hurt my “employability” back in corporate America. Lame I know, but thats the world we live in.

Thankfully, my identity was obscured by the fact in all the videos I went by the alias “Donnie”, and in the vast majority of them, I’m wearing fake Oakleys. Now first off:

Why Donnie?

Growing up in the beautiful yet extremely sheltered town of Cohasset on the south shore of Massachusetts, all my friends would play around with a character named “Donnie the Townie”. He was your typical drunk Masshole. Had a kid named Lil Ricky and wife named Tonya. Everyone who grows up in Mass knows at least one Donnie. Here is the only “Donnie the Townie” clip I can find online. 

When I ended up moving to China and saw firsthand what an absurd place it was, I thought it’d be funny to make videos about this Donnie character, who had most definitely never left the confines of New England, navigating his way around Shanghai after he backed out at Logan Airport's Legal Seafood and woke up there. Now normally I think fake/exagarated Boston accent content can be very hit or miss (more often miss), but the whole “Masshole in China” concept seemed unique enough to work and if you’ve seen my early vids, you’ll know that it did. 

Why Fake Oakleys (Even in the Dark)?

I initially only started wearing them as I had a grotesque black eye from being jumped at a club the night before filming my first Shanghai Sharks video (my second video ever China video). After that I decided to continue wearing them to further conceal my identity and before I knew it, they were part of the brand.

Anyways, while my “Donnie” vids were always well received and Barstool ended up sharing some of them which helped me build a a cult following, my fanbase still wasn’t nearly large enough to make my living as a content creator. So in 2016, after a short failed stint as a Suisey Salesman in Clemson SC (where I received a Public Intoxication charge for falling asleep at a Little Ceasers)

I sadly started to apply for real jobs back in the US. However, just after sending out my first application I got the opportunity to audition for Barstool Idol and the rest is history. Portnoy said I could have a job on the spot solely based off my back catalogue of content and I wouldn’t have to participate in the rest of the competition (side note: If you watch my audition you'll notice two things. 1. I was visibly nervous. 2. I followed through with just about everything I pitched.)

Now here is when I was in a little bit of a dilemma. What would my Barstool moniker be? I auditioned as “Stu” as that’s my middle name and what most of my high school and college buddies call me. 

However, I got the job based off my  previous Donnie videos and already had a following of fans that knew me by that name. Only issue is that when I played the Donnie character previously, it was only a couple times a month, whereas this Barstool gig would be full-time. Barstool prides itself on authenticity and I didn’t want to feel like I had to play a character every time I was on camera. I also didn’t want to be doing an exaggerated Boston accent while working for a company that already employed the likes of Coley Mick and Rear Admiral. In the end I decided on this compromise, I would keep the name Donnie and keep rocking the fake Oakleys as I had already spent years building up that brand, but would slowly transition to acting like myself behind the shades instead of the stereotypical Mass-hole character I had played up in China.

This compromise worked well for years while I wasn’t based in the barstool office. It was actually quite nice as if I wanted to go to a bar incognito all I’d have to do is shave and take the glasses off and very few people would recognize me. Can confirm the Clark Kent/Superman phenomena is REAL.  However, since I’ve been back in the Barstool office full time, always wearing the shades has gotten annoying with stool scenes being filmed constantly, livestreams, etc. So ya, I’m officially losing the shades shtick around the office, but no I’m not changing my barstool moniker to “Zach” or “Stu” as at this point there’s not much difference between those guys and Donnie.  Think I prefer the name “Wonton Don” for barstool purposes as that name encapsulates the best of all my personas but feel free to call me whatever ya want if you see me in public. 

Here's a Venn Diagram to sum everything up if any of you are more visual learners/can't read well.

P.S. Portnoy threw out the wedding invitation I left on his desk as he did't know my real name and through a random fan was inviting him to their wedding.