Tom Brady and Irina Shayk Try the Old 'Leave From Separate Exits" Trick After a 48-Hour Hotel Session. And Fool Exactly Nobody.

Phil Oldham. Shutterstock Images.

If for some reason you've sensed a sort of pervasive gloom settle over the United States these past few days, you're not wrong. And we can trace the source to our nation's obscene lack of Tom Brady. The GOAT has been visiting the UK, bringing his metahuman winning powers to the Birmingham City FC he recently bought a piece of as a To Me/From Me 46th birthday gift. 

But as befits a man who is currently between jobs and able to relax and enjoy his August for the first time since his pre-Pop Warner days, he wasn't All Business Brady. He found a little time for recreation. By "a little time," I mean 48 hours. And by "recreation," … well, it would be ungentlemanly to come right out and say it. So let me just point out Birmingham City weren't the only ones who scored. And those pub dwellers weren't the only ones who got a round:

And the UK tabloid press - bless them - were there to keep score:

Source - Tom Brady and new love Irina Shayk enjoyed a romantic 48 hour rendezvous in London over the weekend - with the pair spotted leaving the same hotel separately.

NFL icon Brady, 46, and supermodel Shayk, 37, whose budding romance was revealed last month following a sleepover at his home, spent Sunday and Monday together 'holed up' inside the five star The Twenty Two hotel in London’s Mayfair area.

Brady … was seen leaving the luxury hotel via a side entrance at 7.20am on Tuesday and catching a flight out of the English capital.

Shayk left via a separate side entrance five minutes earlier. 

The hunk had arrived at the hotel in the early hours of Sunday morning, checking in at 2am after driving from Birmingham to London on Saturday night.

Ah, these two crazy kids. Maybe I'm just an old softie, but to me there's nothing quite like a newly blooming romance. Especially during those awkward first few weeks, when you're still trying to keep it between yourselves. Sneaking around. Little clandestine meetings. Not yet ready to announce it to the world, but knowing you can't keep the secret forever. Think Jim and Pam late in Season 3, between the time he broke it off with Karen and asked her out, and the first time they announced they were going out to the whole office. And only we the audience were in on it. 

So sure, the hopeless romantic in all of us can appreciate just how cute it is that these two - some of the most recognizable faces on the globe, as well as the human race's newest It Couple - would try the old "You go out that way and I'll go this way" gag. And how aborbs they are for thinking that had a prayer of working. Like the paps wouldn't have both exits covered or the ability to time their escapes. 

But I'll admit, the obsessive Tom Brady stan in me is disappointed. First of all, because the planning of this was so poor. Five minutes of difference between the two of them? He thought that would work? Where was the game planning? The preparation? The film study? Going over the security camera tapes to find out the paparazzis weaknesses. When they change shifts and so on. For all the time he used to spend trying to figure out Ed Reed, you'd think he's put in the effort on this. 

And the execution was even worse. Brady was never the fastest QB in the business, but his play fakes were beyond compare. Every year, his play action passing stats were as good as anybody in the league. Why even in his first season under Bruce Arians, his passer rating off of play action was 124.4. And last year, even in his worst statistical season, his 97.0 was higher than his non-play fake numbers. That skill should translate to his Sneaking Around With a New Girlfriend game. Even if he is rusty after 16 years of monogamy. And was tired from a marathon session with a supermodel.

Between this clumsy display and the whole Walk of Shame thing from a few weeks ago:

This is no time to be making excuses. Tom Brady is better than he's showing. Sneak around with your new honey like a champion today.