We Get It… Vaginas Are Mysterious.

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Small phenomenon lately in Barstool HQ. 

Young ladies… Both college interns and full-time employees… Have been walking around the office asking various male co-workers vaginal trivia. The q&a is recorded and then splashed somewhere on social media to humiliate the men and their lack of knowledge surrounding female genitalia. 

"What does IUD stand for?"

"Does a woman have to remove her tampon in order to pee?"

"How many tampons does a woman use on a regular flow day?"

Those are just 3 of the most recent questions, and for the record, I got all 3 correct. That’s only because I have been married for nearly a quarter of a century AND I have a daughter. Plus, back in college, I was eating so much pussy, I was shittin’ clits, son. 

Shoutout Veep…

But here is my question back to these patronizing and often condescending broads…

 "Who the fuck cares?"

Who cares about what you shove up inside of you in order to have unprotected sex?

Who cares if you soak the occasional tampon string with urine?

And who cares if you need to wear a Bandolier strap filled with Tampax for 5 days a month?

There are certain nuances and secrets surrounding our own meaty cocks that we don’t care to test you on. So unless Jeff D Lowe adds “Labia Facts” as a category in The Dozen, we’d appreciate it if you kept your hygiene to yourself. 

Now, perhaps a female coworker (hopefully not Erika) will read this and mewl, “But Large… We only ask about our lady parts because we’d secretly love to learn more about your dick and/or dicks in general.”

And to that, I would reply to they/them with, “Fine… Here are three lesser-known cock facts.” And then I’d present those facts as if I was answering three questions from an inquisitive fan of the penis. 

1. “When you are in public and your balls itch, what do you do?”

The answer is that you “scrinch” which is a cross between a scratch and a pinch. You see, you can’t just walk around raking your itchy balls while walking past a schoolyard filled with kids. Instead, you simply reach down, and with your pointer finger and thumb, you pretend to adjust the crotch of your pants. But instead of fixing a non-existent front wedgie, you pinch the itchy portion of your ballbag until the pain from the pinch outweighs the itch. 

2. “If you accidentally nick your scrotum while shaving your balls, how much does it bleed?”

The answer is- Way too much… But it is worthwhile for the optical inch that lack of hair provides for your shaft. 

3. And again, a hypothetical woman is asking this… “It’s a well-known scientific fact that women can’t get pregnant from the reverse cowgirl position…

… but is there a similar position for guys that would help avoid unwanted pregnancies?”

Excellent question and the answer is “kinda”… There isn’t necessarily a ‘position’ that a guy can assume in order to avoid knocking up his consenting female counterpart, it is more of a ‘situation’ that he has to create. 

More specifically, if a young couple wants to raw dog without any consequences, the chances of him producing motile and virile sperm decrease if you make him a sandwich and a beverage to eat and drink while lovemaking. 

And I call it lovemaking because I strongly believe that when a man decides to put his ding-dong in a woman’s hoo-hah, it should be done under the blanket of unbridled passion. 

But back to that fool-proof contraceptive situation for male sex havers… I find the best sandwich to eat during sex is rare roast beef on a Kaiser roll with mayo, lettuce, tomato, salt, and pepper. 

Frederick M. Brown. Getty Images.

If you’d like to add cheese, that’s allowed, but dairy makes me gassy, and a gassy Large is not a sexy Large.

Then as far as the beverage goes, you can choose anything but water… I find Ginger Ale works best. 

I'm giving you a lot of info here… Arguably too much. So to sum up, the safest way to bang a loved one is reverse-cowgirl with a nice sandwich thrown in.

Oh, and shut-the-fuck up during the session… An environment of complete silence both before, during, and after coitus is optimal for keeping my sperm from attacking your eggs. 

Those are three quick FAQs about dicks. I could go on and on about the puzzle-wrapped-in-an-enigma that is the male penis. For example- Most of the widely accepted facts about cocks are not true… Black guys aren’t always that big, but it’s a scientific fact that Irish guys have the most delicious semen… Tastes like Bailey’s, allegedly. 

I'd go deeper, but I have to head to the store for some rare roast beef.

Take a report.

-Large