In Honor Of Gilbert Arenas Clowning Nick Young For Being Washed Because He Played Basketball In Jean Shorts, Here Are Some Definitive Examples Of How You Can Tell You're Washed Up

David Dow. Getty Images.

As they say, nobody defeats Father Time. At some point, we all become washed. While some may be better at delaying the inevitable like they're LeBron, becoming washed comes for us all.

We were reminded of that today by a nice little dig from Gilbert Arenas to Nick Young

Right off the bat, this seems like a wild move to me. Not the wearing of jean shorts, that's whatever. I'm never going to get on someone for their style choices as someone who wears a t-shirt and gym shorts every single day from the blogging station. But playing basketball in jean shorts? While Arenas says that's how you know you're washed, I'm thinking Nick Young needs to be investigated because that's the sign of a true psycho in my opinion. That just seems so uncomfortable I don't know how anyone could do it.

But then I got to thinking. Seeing as how I am very much washed up at the age of 36, what are some things in my life (and probably yours too if you're around my age) that were clear signs it was time to hang it up due to being extremely washed? After some thought, here's where I landed

Unable to sleep late

This happened relatively early for me, probably as soon as I crossed over the 30 year old benchmark. I don't care what I do the night before, and by that I mean stay up way too late binging Suits, my ass is waking up right around 6-6:15am without fail and without an alarm. It could be a weekday, weekend, it doesn't matter. My body's internal clock is a real motherfucker. Black out shades? Doesn't matter. There's no stopping my body from waking up every single goddamn day at 6-6:15am. I always wondered growing up why the hell my Dad kept being up so early and now I know. Once you're washed up, sleeping late is just something that no longer happens. 

Finding house chores therapeutic

I'd say for the majority of my young adult life, house chores were for the birds. When you're in your 20s, you learn how to deal with living like an absolute asshole. You put off laundry until you're literally out of clothes. You don't clean shit in your house/apartment until things get way too out of control. Unloading the dishwasher? Ha, you never loaded it in the first place.

But now? Not only do I not hate doing house chores, I sneaky look forward to them. When I'm the first one up in my house (see above), you know what I love to do most? Unload the dishwasher, clean the kitchen counters, maybe start the laundry, start cleaning the floors etc. I find these things to be extremely therapeutic which is something I definitely did not see coming. I throw on a podcast and the next thing I know the house is spotless and a few hours have gone by. The same goes for yardwork too if you have to deal with that also. 

If enjoying chores isn't a sign you're extremely washed, what the hell is?

No longer caring about missing out on shit

This has been by far the biggest change since becoming washed. Think of all the times you didn't really feel like going out but you forced yourself to head to the bar only to immediately regret not just being home? You didn't want to miss out on anything. But now? 

I couldn't imagine waiting in some sort of huge line to get into anything at this point. I'm at the point now where I'd much rather just hang out with my dogs and get fucked up at my house than waste money out somewhere. Now part of that is of course due to the whole ya know, Greenberg part, but also because I'm at the point now where I just don't give a shit about missing out on anything. I can't remember the last time I had FOMO or anything like that. Now obviously this is different for everyone. If you're single, you have to do shit like that. But for my money give me just a casual hangout at someone's house (aka my house so I don't have to drive anywhere) or just a chill night at home. That seems so much more enjoyable to my extremely washed brain.

Enjoying Cooking

Now this one is a little tricky. Learning to cook is something you should definitely do in your 20s. Not just for the money you can save, but it's the easiest date night idea if you're a broke college kid. So what do I mean by this? Well now in my washed years, just like with house chores I not only enjoy cooking, but I look forward to it. I care more about my 3 year old sourdough starter than I probably should. I just made some homemade pop tarts this weekend that blew my dick right off my body. I've spent way too much time experimenting with pizza dough formulas for homemade pizza. Sometimes I'm Team Cast Iron, sometimes I'm Team Pizza Stone.

The fact that I even debate between the two tells me just how washed I am. The second I get fed one of those pizza Ooni ads I try and justify the cost for days. Washed city.

No longer caring about fashion

Part of this is obviously due to my life as a blogger and the fact that I just work from home, but I couldn't even come close to telling you what's fashionable right now nor do I care to ever find out. At this point in my life, I have a couple of sets of real-world clothes in the rotation and call it a day. Who am I trying to impress?

To take it one step further, if I find something I like, I just buy a shit ton of those things, just in different colors. I'm a simple guy for the most part. Give me a few good pairs of jeans and a solid color tshirt and I'm good to go. 

Loving the thrill of a good gas discount

Gas is expensive as hell right now no matter where you live and that probably isn't changing any time soon. One of the biggest no brainer moves you can make is to sign up for whatever rewards program exists at your local grocery store, especially if they also sell gas at that location. Few things get the blood pumping like slashing anywhere between 10-30 cents off a gallon of gas based on how much my grocery bills had been in between gas fill ups.

$3.95 a gallon? No thank you. I actually get bummed out a little bit when it's only 10 cents off. You find yourself with enough rewards points for 30 cents…man that's living.

It's also extremely washed.

Random body aches

This one really fucked me up as I got older. The first time I randomly woke up and it felt like my achilles was about to snap walking down my steps despite me doing absolutely nothing was a huge wake up call. I didn't do anything about it obviously and just figured my body would fix itself, but it was something I never really understood until it started happening. A sore back, a knee that doesn't feel just right, it takes a few hours for my body to lube up after a night's sleep and to me, that's the most obvious sign you're washed up. 

Aches and pains that I never had at any point in my life all of the sudden happen all the time despite not doing anything strenuous. Now maybe you can combat that by perhaps going to the gym and staying in shape but fuuuuuuck that. It's way easier to just complain about it on Twitter and do nothing. 

Caring about retirement/finances

If I could give any sort of advice in this blog as a washed up old, this is something you should definitely pay attention to in your younger years. Sure none of us will ever be able to actually retire, but starting to get your ducks in a row early and investing/taking your retirement seriously is something everyone should care about. Just set it and forget it in terms of a direct deposit or something. Time is without a doubt the biggest advantage you have.

I now find myself spending way too much time looking at finance shit that I most definitely do not understand. For example, I was under the impression that stocks only go up. I feel like I'm doing things right but honestly who the hell knows? I'm certainly not going to pay someone to figure that stuff out for me but I'm looking at charts and reading things at 36 that I most definitely did not ever care about before. 

Being interested in the weather

I cannot remember a single time in my life I ever stuck around to watch the weather on the news or checked it on my phone. Not once. But that was young me. Washed me looks basically every day at the weather. What the hell is that about? It's going to be what it's going to be. I'm working from home so I don't have a commute that I need to worry about. I don't have kids so it's not like I need to know about a Snow Day or anything. Even still, I need to know how things are looking for the week. It's something that just sort of happened, but now I look literally every day. Sometimes even by the hour if I'm feeling dangerous.

I could keep going, but you get the idea. These were just a few things in my own life that told me I was cooked, but I'd love to hear what my fellow olds that may be reading this blog would come up with. We all have that moment where we say to ourselves "damn, I am washed as hell", so let's hear it. What are they for you?