The Autoblow AI+ Penis Sucking Machine Will Allow Users To Achieve Orgasm Using Only Their Mind

First things first: Welcome to The Barstool SPORTS Minute with John Rich

- Andy Reid has said that Kadarius Toney will undergo knee surgery on his torn meniscus. 

- Cowboys star right guard Zack Martin does not report to training camp, and will be hit with a $50,000 fine for every day he misses.

- Texas Longhorn's QB Archie Manning has a multi-year NIL deal with Panini trading cards, proceeds will go to the Saint David's Foundation in Austin, TX

- 36-year old tight end Jimmy Graham has signed a 1-year deal to play for the New Orleans Saints once again.

Now you can't yell at me for not blogging about sports. Checkmate comment section. Time to talk about hands-free AI mind orgasms. 

NY Post - An erotic entrepreneur has invented a titillating toy that allows users to masturbate with their minds — and it’s all thanks to advancements in Artificial Intelligence.

Brian Sloan — who previously produced a male masturbation sleeve known as the “Autoblow” — sought help from a group of researchers to create the dirty new device, which is powered by electroencephalography (EEG).

“Until now we’ve only controlled sex toys using buttons and dials which is 100-year-old technology,” Sloan excitedly told Jam Press. ”Thinking yourself or someone else to orgasm will transcend the normal human experience, giving us a completely new sexual ability.”

Have you ever had a wet daydream before? That's a serious question. Has anybody ever had a wet daydream? Is that possible? To be so mentally locked-in to the OnlyFans profile of the girl who replied to your most recent tweet with "I'm the thickest 18-year old on Twitter", to achieve a hands-free orgasm? Has anybody managed to accomplish that feat? 

When I first grazed this headline without fully comprehending what it was saying, I thought a completely touchless orgasm was what the article was driving at. Unfortunately, we're not quite there. A touchless orgasm can still only be achieved while sleeping, with the help of anal stimulation, or with this new state-of-the-art device that you fasten to your penis. 

For the mind-blowing masturbation experience, a user must be hooked up to an (EEG) headset, which measures the spontaneous electrical activity of the brain.

The hands-free sex toy, dubbed the Autoblow AI+, is subsequently fastened to the user’s penis and is connected to Wi-Fi on a nearby table.

That sounds delightful and all, but let's not pretend this is some sort of groundbreaking technology. If you have a sex-machine strapped to your dick, that's not masturbating with "only your mind" it's masturbating with an "Autoblow AI+ penis sucking machine while wearing a EEG headset." As chill and normal as that sounds, penis sucking machines are nothing new. When I started at Barstool Sports, I found that someone had left me a penis sucking machine underneath my desk.

When I removed the penis sucking machine from the box, as one does, it felt somewhat slimy as if it had been previously lubed up, or maybe even broken in for me. I couldn't bring myself to put it to use. As much as I appreciated my desk-warming gift, I'm only interested in virgin penis sucking machines.

It's whatever. Back to the article. Someone has invented a new AI penis sucker. Whoop-dee-doo, right?

WRONG! You haven't heard about this EEG headset yet. 

The EEG headset measures the user’s brain activity, which in turn controls the action of the Autoblow AI+ via Wi-Fi. Judging by the brainwaves, the toy can speed up or slow down its stroking motion and even features a “Finish Me” function designed to induce orgasm when brain signals show a desire to climax.

Cowabunga is right, Ninja Turtles. This isn't your ho-hum, run-of-the-mill penis sucking machine that left under you desk by who you suspect was your co-worker Trent. This machine has it all. Brainwaves?! Mind controlled stroking motion?! A "Finish Me" button like you're committing Seppuku in Mortal Kombat.  Now we're getting off somewhere. But who do we have to thank for such technology? I have half a mind to send them a sexually suggestive thank you card. 

The researchers, who are experts in the field of neurotechnology, have asked to remain anonymous “due to potential negative career impacts based on the sexual nature of the commissioned work,” Vice reports. 

A group of cowards I see! Or is it a group humble neurotechnological kings? Or are they under strict instructions from their supervisors at the Center for Neurotechnology and Behavior at Mount Sinai to NOT moonlight for their horny friends penis company to create the greatest mind-reading self-pleasure apparatus the world has ever known? 

Or maybe it's a family thing. Maybe if word got out that Jimmy's dad who helps coach Medford Lakes' 11u travel soccer team is spending his free time perfecting the Autoblow AI+, then the other parents might not feel comfortable letting their kids eat the orange slices he brings for the team as a post-game snack. Which would be bullshit by the way. It's not like he's handling dicks on a daily basis. 

Unless maybe he is? Maybe he bring in dozens of subjects every day through a series of Craigslist ads, hooks up their brains to his EEG machine, and carefully examines how their penises react to various stimuli. And it's not like he can just watch the penis. To truly understand the penis, you need to hold it in your bare hand. You need to feel the way the blood flows through the shaft. You need to become one with the penis. Don't forget what they're building here. The Autoblow AI+ is setting out to change the course of history. Eat, breathe, sleep, penis. That's the motto.

Then consider the load. Load size is important. Upon eja-