Dumping Them Out: Brian Harman
Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. No time for an introductory paragraph today. Too many important things to get to.
I'm not a big fan of this Brian Harman guy who's leading the British Open. I'm not sure what the leaderboard is going to look like by the time this gets posted, but as of now Brian Harman has a 5 stroke lead on on the field on the front 9. This blog will likely be dated by the time it's up, but that's not really important.
As a golf purist who definitely doesn't think a majority of golf's traditions and customs are fucking stupid, I would NEVER wish for something terrible to happen to Brian Harman over the course of this last round.
Quick speed rankings of things that I am/was not hoping happens to Brian Harman
1. Somebody snuck into his hotel room last night, stole his golf clubs, and somehow was able to fuck with the glue that attaches his club heads to the shaft so that by the back 9 his club heads start falling off one by one, thus forcing him to finish the round using his golf shafts like a pool cue.
2. A vicious rain cloud hones in specifically on him and nobody else, making it so Brian and Brian only has to play his final round in category 5 hurricane conditions, to the point that the PGA is forced to remove him from the course for his own safety.
3. An extremely competent version of Wiley Coyote diverts his attention from the Roadrunner and focuses all of his efforts towards thwarting Brian Harman's round. Maybe he drops a grand piano on Brian's head in the midst of his backswing and when Brian stands up his teeth are replaced with piano keys. Or maybe he paints an ultrarealistic picture of a golf hole on the side of a grand stand that confuses him into thinking he's aiming at the real hole, but in reality he's hitting his shot at the painting. Or something with a giant ACME magnet that only attracts Harman's golf balls.
Note: Now I thinking about a sketch with a competent Wiley Coyote who puts together some sort of elaborate plan that immediately lands him in Guantanamo Bay. Or something with a competent Wiley Coyote. That could be funny.
4. He temporarily looses all feeling in his hands in some sort of freak medical accident that doesn't have any long term health effects but makes it impossible for him to finish his round.
5. His wife confronts him in the middle of the fairway and decides that she is fed up with this golf nonsense and gives him an ultimatum that he has to choose between golf and his family. He's tries to reason with her like, "Bitch, I've been golfing ever since we met where is this coming from? I'm leading by 5 strokes in the final round of the British Open. Do you realize how fucking insane this is?" But she's like, "I don't care Brian. This has gone too far. You have to choose right now." Then Brian chooses golf thinking that she can't actually be serious and they'll surely figure things out after the tournament. But he's so rattled by the incident that his game falls to pieces and he blows the tournament on the back 9. Then when he finally makes it back to his home in the United States, he finds that his wife has moved out all of her things, and he's all alone.
Actually, that's a little too far. He can reconcile with his wife and kids afterwards. I just don't want to see him win the golf tournament. I hate a runaway winner in a major. Here's John Daly hitting a tee shot in his pajamas as a pallet cleanser.
Alright, well that killed about 2/3's of this blog. Let's see what else is there. I think I've officially seen enough people on the internet give comprehensive reviews of both Oppenheimer & Barbie (Barbenheimer), that I no longer feel the need to see either of the movies. So that's nice. Saves me about 5 hours of my life. Thanks everyone.
Do you think Slam Ball actually has a chance to succeed this time around? I feel like it's one of those things that everyone romanticizes because we remember watching it as a kid, and the highlights are pretty sweet, but is it really going to pull in enough money to stick around? Their Twitter account does seem to be doing a pretty good job. I'm cheering for Slam Ball. Not sure how long it'll last this time, but at least it'll make for some cool highlights on the internet.
I just saw this video of a cowboy hatted man strangling a pizza delivery boy on Twitter.
It reminded me of my first job out of college in Fort Worth, Texas. They flew me down there to interview with one of the other sales reps at the company. He also wore a cowboy hat. At the start of the dinner when the waitress brought us our food, I immediately insulted the guy by trying to take a bite of my meal before we held hands in prayers. After we were done praying, this guy proceeds to tell me a story about how important being kind to one another is in Texas. The story he told me was that one time his friend was at a red light somewhere in the middle of nowhere west Texas. The light turned green, and his friend who was at the front of the line didn't notice, so he just sat there without moving. The car behind him laid on his horn. In return, his friend who got honked at (I'm assuming he had a cowboy hat on as well) got out of his car, walked back to the car that honked at him, opened the drivers side door and punched the dude in the face. And that story was supposed to be his example of how nicely people treat each other in Texas or something? Like, if you're not nice you're going to get punched in the face? Idk it was a really bizarre story and I was very confused. But I got the job, moved to Texas, and didn't honk my horn for shit the whole time I was there.