Sic, Semper, Snyrannis
Dan Snyder has sold the Washington Commanders/Football Team/R-Words.
I never thought I would write that sentence. I thought he would outlive me. I thought his presence would always loom in the background watching my despair every NFL season, laughing, stroking himself to my pain like some sort of a serial killer-cuck hybrid. Who would of ever thought that a guy who made his hundreds of millions of dollars off forcing people who didnt speak english to switch their long-distance phone service to his company against their will would turn out to be a bad guy.
And although it is disgusting that the NFL is taking away Snyders first amendment right to own a professional football team, the lack of production at the QB position over the last 24 years indcates Snyder hasnt been paying much attention to the 2nd amendment either.
Today is a day of mixed emotions for me- one one hand I'm beyond ecstatic that he is gone. On the other I wish he had also been arrested. We can only hope that Dan enjoys his retirement by exploring his newfound love of maritime exploration and trades in his yacht for a experimental submersable. Say what you want about the Titanic but at least its A Sea L that cant be blamed on the Fedex field grass.
But hes gone. Hes gone. He cant hurt me anymore. And with that I'd like to offer a fair and balanced assessment of the highs and lows of his 24 years owning the team.
Highlights of the Dan Snyder era-
-January 2006- Won a wild card game 17-10 over Chris Simms and the Bucs. QB Mark Brunell had 41 yds passing. 1 INT, 0 TDs
Lowlights of the Dan Snyder era-
-Career ratio of 3 team names to 2 team playoff wins. Probably a unbreakable record
-He bought expired airline snacks at a discount and sold literally rotten peanuts to fans at concession stands
-Sold expired World Cup-labled beer to fans 2 months after the World Cup was over
-Hired Vinny Cerrato
-Hired Vinny Cerrato again
-Oversaw the worst playing field in football on which the following players suffered catastrophic leg injuries: RG3, Chase Young, Alex Smith, Joe Burrow, Adrian Peterson, Keenan Allen, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Kyle Allen
-DEA and FBI raided the team medical facitily like 3 years ago people dont really talk about it because its only like the 500th most illegal thing thats happened there
-Team doctors botched Trent Williams cancer diagnosis, and Dan refused to negotiate with him after failing a physcial from scalp-soreness (due to cancer surgery) so we had to trade our best player of the last 20 years for the return value of the spit on John Lynchs handshake
-Gave Albert Haynesworth 100 million dollars to set world records in apathy and fail condistioning tests(one of which he missed because he had to take a shit in the middle of it). He proceeded to lie down and take a nap on the field during monday night football, amass a record of reckless driving that would rival Hunter Bidens, and then basically stop playing football so he could spend more time with his boat
-The stadium rained shit on fans
-The stadium fell apart and almost killed Jalen Hurts
-Sued granmothers who couldnt pay their season ticket bill because of the 2008 financial crisis
-In a dick measuring contest with Jeff Bezos he had Amazon-levels of deforestation on government owned trees so he could see the potomac river more clearly from his house
-Hired Steve Spurrier
-Botched Sean Taylor day
-Botched Sean Taylor day again
-Created a name so bland and boring that fans would of rather just not had a team name at all
-Made fans pay for training camp, and also pay to park at training camp, but graciously offered fan apprecation day where fans were given a 1-ply hand towel in exchange for signing up for a Mastercard
-Alleged sexual assaults
-Pimped out his cheerleaders to big corporate donors
-Made behind the scenes naked videos of his cheerleaders on calendar shoot day that only his buddies could watch allegedly
-Hired Jim Zorn as head coach even though he'd never even been a coordinator because a message board objected to hiring Jim Fassil
-Neutered Jim Zorn by hiring Sherm Lewis to call plays after Sherm had been with the team for 2 weeks after having been retired for 5 years. Sherm was working in a senior center calling bingo for the elderly (not a knock against older people this is probably more comlicated then running a Jim Zorn-designed offensive scheme)
-Bought the aforementioned fan message board so that he could control it and kill any criticism
-Lost moral high ground to Jim Irsay
-Named a on-premise Hooters at FedEx field after Robert F Kennedy
-Never won 11 games (every other team in the NFL has had a 11 win season since at least 2008, the last Washington season with 11 wins was literally 1991)
-Released a redesign of fedex field with a surfing pool(?) style moat that was never even a possibilty to be built, he just basically paid a guy 10k to make a drawing of a crown-royal induced fever dream that he was jacking off to at the time
-Traded for the extra chunky version of Donovan McNabb without input from Mike Shanahan, who then benched him for being fat
-Signed Will Compton
-Fired Marty Schottenheimer after winning 8 out his last 11 games in his only season
-Ruined my life
-Sued a newspaper for writing a similar list about him
-Ruined Six Flags
-Sent autographed photos of himself to fans who wrote letters complaining about the team
-Made it so you couldnt brings signs into games anymore on account of some fans occaisionally wrote mean things about him on said aforementioned signs, and justified it by saying that signs get in peoples way when they're trying to watch the games. You know what else gets in peoples way? Giant cement columns at fedex fieldthat are located directly in front of peoples seats that cover the middle 70% of the field
-Top of my head as the final bottom-line Im gonig to list the STARTING QBs I have watched as he has been the owner. I'm pretty sure this is all of them:
The skeleton of Jeff George
Brad Johnson(got rid of him)
Danny Wuerffel
Sage Rosenfels
Shane Matthews
Patrick Ramsey
The skeleton of Mark Brunell
Jason Campbell
The skeleton of Donovan McNabb
Rex Grossman
John Beck
RG3
Kirk Cousins
Colt McCoy
Literally the skeleton of Alex Smith
Kyle Allen
Case Keenum
Dwayne Haskins
Mark Sanchez
Josh Johnson
Ryan Fitzpatrick
Taylor Heinicke
The skeleton (minus backbone) of Carson Wentz
Sam Howell
They say if you dont have something nice to say about somebody, you should instead write it on a t-shirt
Bye Bitch. We won.
Left Hand Up.