If Men Ever Want To Get Laid Again We Need To Get Over Our Crippling Fear of Brunch

NY Post - With everyone harping on about the current cost of living crisis, savvy restaurants are now offering ridiculously cheap bottomless brunch packages that allow us to still catch up with our girlfriends and down those cocktails while sticking to a budget.

I know. Genius.

And better yet – we get to do it during the day, and then crash out in the late afternoon, allowing us to down at least one carb-loaded dinner before an early night, resulting in us waking up far fresher than we would have if we got home in the early hours of that morning.

The downside to all this fabulousness is that men aren’t at these brunches.

Nope – these nocturnal creatures prefer to go out at night.

You know, when there’s football on in the background to distract them from our chat.

I know this for a fact because any time I’ve invited a bunch of blokes to brunch I’ve got back a solid “no thanks.” 

Because brunch has such a feminine vibe to it, we’ve scared them all off. 

And likewise, a night at the pub watching footy sounds bloody awful to many of us womenfolk.

Seriously singletons, we’ve got to do better, because people are going home … alone.

Not a cheeky pash, awkward boob fondle or dry hump in sight.

It’s outrageous and it’s not on.

TLDR: Women go to brunch and get devastatingly horny, but men are afraid that brunch makes them gay.

You heard it boys. Straight from the most British woman in the world's possibly wooden toothed mouth. Sorry Jana Hocking, I don't mean to offend, but you type very British. 

Look guys, I'm no different than you. When I hear the word "brunch" my dick shrivels up from a grape to a raisin. I have a visceral reaction just like any other red-blooded bloke. My skin begins to itch, I break out in hives, and I retreat to my dark basement where I listen to The Dan Patrick Show as I play 16 straight hours of Call of Duty before I'm fully recovered from the mere suggestion of consuming breakfast food & alcohol between the approximate hours of 10am-2pm. But according to this fit bird, if sex is what we want, then it's time we change our ways. 

As Ms. Hocking (single) tells us, hot womenfolk do not only fucking love brunch, but the combination of mimosas and crumpets they consume leaves them levels of horny unknown to man. If we can find the strength within us to overcome our fear, and power through the doors of Chez Ma Tante in the late morning/early afternoon, then chugga chugga choo choo gentleman, it's all aboard the pussy train for us. 

I know that sounds scary. Eating at a restaurant stacked full of stacked woman drinking fruity booze in the middle of the day is downright terrifying. As Ms. Hocking (still very single) astutely points out, us boys are "nocturnal creatures" who prefer a game of footy on behind the bar to distract us from a woman's 15-minute long story about how her and her friends are planning to do a pedal bike tour of Nashville. Don't get me wrong, 75% of the conversations at brunch will revolve around pedal bike tours of Nashville. But that's the cross we'll have to bear if we want to achieve that sweet sweet 4:30pm Saturday afternoon poon tang our single-ass friend Miss Hocking has promised us.

Let's brunch boys.