A Computer Model Shows Us What Remote Workers of the Future Will Look Like, and the Result Will Haunt Your Dreams

Maryna Andriichenko. Getty Images.

Not that working from home is some band I discovered that made it big and can't stop bragging about it, but I was doing it before it was popular. Which is to say, back when Corona was still a beer you need to drink with fruit and before that word forced everyone to stay home and destroyed America's commercial real estate market. Really ever since 2016, when Dave Portnoy and I negotiated my return to Barstool and he told me I could move to New York if I wanted, but I didn't have to. About 90 seconds later, I was signing on the line which is dotted. And the rest is blogging history.

But if I'm being perfectly honest, it still feels weird in a lot of ways. Even seven years in, I'm still not entirely used to the concept of not commuting to a building somewhere and working with other people. After doing it my entire adult life, there's still something off about the place you work being the same place you don't work. It must be what it's like to be a homeschooled kid, only without a mom to give me assignments. But I'm not complaining. Somebody's got to do it. And as it turns out, I was a pioneer in the field. 

As it's become more and more commonplace, and permanent, someone has decided to study what it's going to mean to the evolution of the human race in the near future. And the result is horrifying beyond belief:

Daily Mail - While working from home was once a rare treat, it has become the norm for millions of people following the Covid-19 pandemic.

But a grotesque new model may have you asking to go back into the office.

Furniture At Work has revealed what home-workers could look like by the year 2100 – and it's not a pretty sight. …

The team created Anna following research from the University of Leeds. …

Working from bed has taken its toll on Anna, who has a hunched back with raised shoulders, while staring at a screen all day has given her red, swollen eyes.

Long hours with her hand curled around her mouse has caused her fingers to curl into a permanent claw.

She's also fallen victim to weight gain, a weak immune system thanks to insufficient fresh air, anxiety and depression.

The following images are for mature audiences only. Viewer discretion is advised:

Jesus wept. What fresh hell is this?

So this is what we're going to get for all this new found freedom and the increased productivity that comes from not having to take a car or train to a workplace every day? We're going to look like an 65 year old Irish farm wife during the Potato Famine. Like a dchool crossing guard who was dredged out of a river after 10 days of floating. We're going to become the lady who crawled out of the bathtub at the Overlook and started making out with Jack Nicholson had a baby with a passenger from the Axiom in Wall-E:

Great. Just great. I grew up watching Star Trek, which presented a future where nobody was unattractive, had weight problems, or or flaws of any kind. Only to find out that long before we get to that utopia, we're all going to evolve hunchbacks, bug eyes and claw hands. The kind of deformed, freakish monster that a 100 years ago you could only see in a circus tent by tossing the carney two bits. 

As someone who's already halfway there and trying desperately not to have the posture of a guy who should be living in a cathedral bell tower, I guess I'm going to be partly to blame for destroying human evolution. I'm just glad I won't be around to see 2100, when my grandkids all look older than me. Have a nice life for yourselves, all you future Annas.