Theranos Founder And Scam Artist Elizabeth Holmes Cries in Prison Like a Big Baby

I've been seeing a lot of Elizabeth Holmes articles lately, as she recently reported to prison to serve her 11-year sentence for being a big lying fraud. For those who don't remember the details of the Elizabeth Holmes conspiracy, she basically claimed that her company Theranos had developed this new medical technology that allows patients to have their fingers pricked for blood, and somehow that small prick of blood would tell them everything that was wrong with their health. Holmes claimed this Theranos device could give patients a full diagnosis using nothing more than that tiny bit of blood. I think it sucked them off afterwards too. Idk I'm fuzzy on the details. My point is, she was going to change the world.

In reality, that wasn't even close to true. Turns out Elizabeth Holmes had no fucking clue what she was doing. She just kept lying about her incredible new technology until Theranos grew into a $10 billion company. The lie got so out of hand that Theranos was actually administering these tests, and would just make up a diagnosis for the patients. Just a good ol' fashioned billion dollar scam. America baby. 

Elizabeth Holmes was a psychopath. You have to be a psychopath to do something like that. Alongside building her company, she built this whole weird ass persona for herself. At one point she started cosplaying Steve Jobs, and for years wore nothing but all black turtle necks. On top of her weird Steve Jobs obsession, she took up using a super deep/stupid fucking voice.

I'm not sure why Elizabeth Holmes thought that talking like Yogi Bear would further her career. The explanation I've heard is that she wanted to be taken seriously in the industry, and thought her womanly falsetto wouldn't cut it. Actually pretty sexist of her to think that a female voice would make her less credible. Let's be sure to cancel her for that too. 

But since her legal troubles, Elizabeth Holmes.. I mean... "Liz", has abandoned her deep, respect-inspiring cartoon voice, in favor of her normal, unremarkable, high-pitched woman voice.

Daily Mail - Convicted fraudster Elizabeth Holmes wants people to call her 'Liz' after abandoning her deep voice and techy turtlenecks following the fall of her company, Theranos.

The disgraced CEO, 39, has spoken out in a bid to rehabilitate her image, following a last-minute appeal that's meant she's avoided starting her more-than 11-year prison sentence for conning investors in the science and tech world out of millions. 

That makes sense. It must have been exhausting maintaining a fake voice while lying to the world and  defrauding investors out of billions of dollars. I could only do one or the other. But she's no longer that person. She's Liz now. And Liz is going to prison for 11 years. Reportedly, it's not going great so far.

NY Post - Distraught Theranos fraudster Elizabeth Holmes was spotted crying throughout a seven-hour reunion with her family last weekend – less than a week after she reported to federal prison in Texas to begin serving her 11-year sentence. 

Holmes was “visibly shaken” and “crying during much of the visit,” according to the Daily Mail, which first obtained photos of the visit. 

I gotta say, I don't like the new Liz. Seems like Liz is kind of a bitch. Don't forget who you were, "Liz". You were Elizabeth Motherfucking Holmes. You built your business from scratch into a $10 BILLION DOLLAR COMPANY on the back of NOTHING. You had literally NOTHING to offer, and convinced the world to throw billions upon billions of dollars at your feet. Sure it was all lies and everything you did was highly highly illegal… but like… that's still pretty fucking good. That takes balls. That takes an unprecedented level of confidence. There are very few people in the world who could do what you did.

But look at you now. Crying like a big baby in your cushy federal prison that lets your family in for 7 HOUR VISITS. That's more like a vacation than a punishment. Sitting alone in your cell watching Whoopie Goldberg fart her way through The View all day long. Getting to see your family for long stretches, but not actually having to worry about taking care of them for real. There's people who would pay for that privilege.

It's time to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, Liz. You got 11 years of this. Time to dust off the ol' vocal cords and remember who the hell you are - the greatest deep-voiced scammer of our generation. 

Don't just rot away in your prison cell for 11 years. You have plenty of options. Take a look at who you're surrounded by. Idiots. You're surrounded by idiots. You're surrounded by suckers. You managed to scam the smartest people in the world. You could scam this prison broads with your eyes closed. Honestly, you should already be the king of that place. I know you have money put away somewhere. Give some money to the baddest bitch in the prison, have her show you the ropes, use her and her friends as muscle, and start a prison business. Acquire a bunch of fake iPhones and sell them to your prison mates. Bring in some contraband and sling it on the basketball court while the guards are busy at football practice. Or just do the blood scam again. These girls probably don't know who you are. I'm sure you could run it back on a smaller scale. 

Idk I'm just spitballing here. Who am I to tell you how to scam? All I'm saying is don't just sit around and feel bad for yourself for 11 years. Make the Bryan, Texas Federal Prison Camp you own personal scammers paradise. I've seen the TikToks. Prison can be a blast. I'm almost jealous of you. Cheers to making this next 11 years a god damn blast.