The Parents Of This Newborn Baby That Can Already Crawl At 3 Days Old Are Soooooooooooo Screwed

The sneaky little secret about newborns are that they are lowkey easy to take care of. Well outside of the sleep depravation that completely turns every part of your life upside down and inside out. But other than that and the constant fear they are going to die (that is totallyyyyyyy normal to worry about especially with the soft spot on their head that feels like an Instant Kill button), dealing with a new baby isn't all that bad, especially once they start holding their head up on their own.

However, once babies become mobile, that's when EVERYTHING changes. Because instead of worrying about your closest friends and family members hurting your baby despite being extremely gentle, you have to worry about a mobile idiot that for some reason spends most of its time trying to touch or eat the most dangerous things in the house. Wires. Outlets. Whatever stuff is laying around because your brain stopped working sometime around their 1 month birthday due to the aforementioned sleep depravation. And of course a parent's biggest nemesis: Stairs.

I was able to watch my first kid while working full-time at Barstool when she was an infant because all I was doing was actively not killing her. However once she started crawling, that's when I had to shell out a mortgage payment every month for daycare because I needed someone that would actively prevent her from killing herself, and caused me to react like this once I was set free from paying for school outside of taxes that I'd be paying regardless.

Which is why I feel for these parents because they don't even get that newborn honeymoon where you just worry about feeding them, burping them, changing them, then putting them to sleep with the occasional gas bubble from hell or mustard yellow blow out being your biggest obstacle. You need that honeymoon because of the lack of sleep and complete 180 your life does by being chained to your house. Instead these poor sons of bitches have to parent on All-Madden from Day 3-on since they have an early bloomer. Hopefully this leads to their kid being a prodigy in school or athletics that'll cut down on whatever the hell college tuition is in 18 years. But other than that, they are officially in the Thunderdome. 

Which is why someone should get that dad something real nice from the Barstool Father's Day Store.