I Listened To The Podcasts of Every Stand-Up Comedian in the World and Combined Them All Into One
I spend way too much time listening to podcasts. Obviously, I consume every piece of content my Barstool Sports co-workers put out before anything else. But when I'm done with all of that, I typically listen to podcasts done by various stand-up comedians of the world.
Everyone's podcast is special in it's own way. They all have their things that make them unique. But there are a lot of similarities too. So hypothetically, if somebody asked me to write them a script that summed up a generic stand-up comedian's podcast, it would go something like this.
PODCAST TITLE: Grinding Mic's
INTRO MUSIC: Uncopyrighted techno-ish music with an explosion at the end that leads into the show
GENERIC COMEDIAN: ITTTTTTT'SSS GRIND TIME, GRINDERS! Welcome back to another episode of the Grinding Mic's Podcast featuring me, a Generic Comedian. As always I'm here with Noah, my best friend/producer who barely knows how to work the recording equipment. How we doing Noah?
NOAH:
GENERIC COMEDIAN: Your mic is off Noah.
NOAH: Oops, sorry about that. What's up everybody?
GENERIC COMEDIAN: You're such a dumbass Noah.
NOAH: I know.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: Before we get to today's guest, let's pay some bills. Who's our ad for today?
NOAH: 'Raise Up'
GENERIC COMEDIAN: Oh 'Raise Up'! We love 'Raise Up'! They're GREAT guys over there. 'Raise Up' is the industry leader in CBD Delta-8 Male Enhancement Pills. Let's be honest guys, we could all use a little help in the bedroom from time to time. But who has time to go to the doctor for a conversation about your soft penis. It's humiliating. You don't want the doctor to make fun of you to all of his doctor friends do you? Because that's exactly what doctors do. Instead, go to www.raiseup.sg to upload a picture of your cock, balls, and face. Within 24 hours, a nameless doctor in Singapore will blindly approve you for a refillable monthly prescription of 100 smokable dick pills for the low low price of $29.99 a month. Noah, your penis doesn't work. Tell the people how much you love 'Raise Up'.
NOAH: I love it. It makes my dick so hard.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: It sure does. Again, that's www.raiseup.sg. Use Promo Code GRIND to get your first 100 pills free.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: Today's guest is a hilarious stand-up comedian who also has a podcast. Welcome GUEST.
GUEST: Thanks for having me. This is the 7th podcast I've done today.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: Tell me about your sunglasses. Do you always wear them indoors?
GUEST: Oh, these? How embarrassing for me. I forgot I had them on.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: That's very casual of you. Fun fact for those who don't know, GUEST and I actually started doing stand-up comedy together. We used to go to the same open mics.
GUEST: That's true.
HOST NAME: I see you're still fatter than the sun.
GUEST: It's part of my charm. Hey, remember that one open mic at the coffee shop where the owner used to charge us $20 to perform in front of 3 people, and would throw lit matches at us if we went longer than 5 minutes?
GENERIC COMEDIAN: And then after the mic he would insist on massaging our calves in the back office.
GUEST: Of course. But the man had magical fingers, I'll give him that much.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: That he did. And it made us better comics.
GUEST: Absolutely.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: Remember that blind and deaf wheelchair comic who had one arm and a hook hand?
GUEST: Sure do. What was his name again?
GENERIC COMEDIAN: Poolie.
GUEST: Poolie! That's right Poolie! One of the best comics I'd ever seen.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: 100%. He couldn't even speak real words. The owner would just roll him onto the stage and he'd crush every time.
GUEST: He was one of those comics that other comics loved. Whatever happened to him?
GENERIC COMEDIAN: Died. He was very young.
GUEST: Makes sense. Poolie was the best. Watching him perform made me a better comic.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: Yes, definitely so. Did you ever bomb on stage in your early days?
GUEST: All the time. I used to have a bit where I would fall to the ground, flop around, and bark like a seal. I wanted it to work so bad but it never landed. Every time I did it, it brought the show to a screeching hall.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: How did you set up the joke?
GUEST: I'd say, "Here's my impression of Helen Keller on D-Day"
GENERIC COMEDIAN: That's edgy.
GUEST: That's how it was back in the day. We used to be able to push the boundaries of comedy. But cancel culture has ruined everything.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: Preach brother. Cancel culture is the worst.
GUEST: I hate cancel culture
GENERIC COMEDIAN: Comedy isn't what it used to be.
GUEST: You're tellin me. What about you? Did you ever bomb on stage.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: I bombed every night for the first 5 years. But I just kept grinding mics.
GUEST: Nice.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: Thank you. But in all seriousness, bombing for 5 years is what made me a better comic.
GUEST: Couldn't agree more.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: Well GUEST it was great catching up with you. I know you have 13 additional podcasts to do while you're here in Brooklyn, so I'll let you go. Thanks for coming on Grinding Mic's. Do you have any shows to plug?
GUEST: Yes, I have a podcast called Boy vs Girl, which I do with a talented female comedian. Also, I will be at the Snickerdoodle in Tupelo, Mississippi doing 16 shows in 4 nights from June 22nd-June 25th
GENERIC COMEDIAN: That's a preposterous amount of shows.
GUEST: It's what makes you a better comic.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: Alright, we'll end the show by taking a voicemail from a fan. But first, we have some new merch in the Grinding Mics Store. What do we got Noah?
NOAH: Yes, we have new merch that is available on grindingmics.biz. Shirts start at $59.99. I have one right here.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: That's so fire. I'm not even kidding guys, this is the best shirt I've ever seen in my entire life. Even if I wasn't directly profiting from the sales, I would wear this shirt anywhere. I would wear it on a date, to the club, to a funeral, literally anywhere.
NOAH: It's so soft too.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: It's SO soft. And we have them available in short sleeves, long sleeves, hoodies, and pants. Seriously, you're going to want to order these right now, because I'm telling you.. I'm fucking telling you.. these WILL sell out FAST.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: Ok lets answer a voicemail and then we'll get out of here. Noah, cue one up.
NOAH:
GENERIC COMEDIAN: It's not coming through in my headphones.
NOAH: Oops, one sec… ok here we go.
VOICEMAIL FROM FAN: Hey guys, I'm in a bit of a predicament. I'm 26 years old and I've been dating my girlfriend for 4 years. I love her to death. She's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I'm planning to buy her an engagement ring soon. But over the last 6 months or so, she's developed a southern accent. I don't know where it came from. We've lived our whole lives in Minnesota. It's really weird. Every day it gets worse. I've asked her about it and she'll say, "What in tarnation are you talkin' bout?". She uses phrases like "y'all", and "over yonder" and "giddy up". The other day I saw her pack a lip of Copenhagen Long Cut. Tonight I came home to a framed portrait of Robert E. Lee over our bed. She says she just thought it was a cool painting… but I don't know, it's getting really weird. What do you think I should do?
GENERIC COMEDIAN: My man, you came to the right place. I'm going to be real with you here, she's definitely cheating on you. She's having an affair with a southern man and that's where the accent is coming from. You need to confront her about this immediately. She's going to deny it, but don't let her weasel her way out of this. Push it further and further and don't drop the subject until she's fully admitted to everything. We've caught her red handed.
NOAH: That's great advice.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: Well, I think we helped that guy out. Sorry to break the news to you man. I didn't enjoy doing that, but the truth hurts sometimes. The rest of you Grinders can call 800-555-GRND at any time leave a voicemail, and maybe we'll help you out too.
GENERIC COMEDIAN: That's the show everyone. I'll be at the Horseplay Factory in Grand Forks, North Dakota for six shows this weekend. For additional content, don't forget to subscribe to the Grinding Mic's Patreon. The base level subscription for $5 per month makes you a 6" Grinder, and gets you one additional bonus episode a week. For $10 you can be a 12" Grinder, which gets you the bonus episode along with 10% off at the Grinding Mic's Store. Keep Grinding everyone.
OUTRO MUSIC