Tom Hanks Bails on His Movie Premiere After a Run-In With Some Nobody in Charge of the Red Carpet. And This Means WAR!

Daniele Cifalà. Shutterstock Images.

Tom Hanks is in the movie Asteroid City, which is directed by Wes Anderson. In cinematic terms, this is like if a unicorn made a baby with a My Pretty Pony, since Hanks is the nicest actor to ever set foot on a soundstage, and Anderson's films are so imbued with his distinctive brand of eccentric, quirky charm that YouTube channels exist just to parody them:

So the film's debut at Cannes promised to achieve new heights of agreeable, pleasant conviviality. But in a plot twist more out of M. Night Shyamalan than Wes Anderson, expectations were subverted and things got dark, fast. Words were changed between Hanks, Rita Wilson and some tuxedoed bozo who was apparently in charge of the red carpet:

Lucky for this guy, the carpet was red because I'm semi-positive the lasers coming out of Hanks' eyes drew blood. 

By way of full disclosure, Wilson said on Instagram they just couldn't hear each other over the crowd noise, and that's what all the close-talk shouting was about. And the manager guy claims the photo is deceiving and it's all one big, French Royale with Cheese nothingburger. But neither explanation accounts for the latest development:

Source - Tom Hanks was notably absent from this morning's Asteroid City photo-call in Cannes after clearing up the red carpet run-in he and his wife had with a staffer at the movie's premiere last night. 

Hanks, one of the world's biggest stars, and his wife Rita Wilson were photographed with  pointed fingers in the face of Vincent Chapalain at the Wes Anderson film premiere last night. …

Innocent as the run-in may have been, Hanks was notably absent from the well-attended photo-call where co-stars Jason Schwartzman, Scarlett Johansson, Bryan Cranston and others lapped up applause today.  …

And while the red carpet interaction wasn't as tense as it first appeared, Hanks has been known to have a short fuse in the past.

Last June, Hanks was seen screaming at photographers to 'back the f*** off!' after a tense interaction in Manhattan, where a paparazzi bumped into Wilson in a media scrum. 

Tuesday's interaction might have been innocent - but Hanks was notably absent from the Asteroid City photo-call on Wednesday. 

Listen up, Vincent Chapalain, and listen up good. We don't need explanations. We're not interested in hearing both sides of the story. We have no time for your alibis. If you want to make this right, we require only your total and complete admission of guilt, followed by a sincere apology. In writing as well as verbally. 

There's no ambiguity here. This is Tom freaking Hanks we're talking about. He's a galactic treasure. He's the embodiment of all that is right in this world. He's goodness in human form. Never mind Forrest Gump. He's our go-to any time we need someone to portray a real life middle aged heroic man. Captain Phillips. Sully Sullenberger. He played Mr. Rogers for fuck's sake. Who else possesses the good-natured sweetness to have pulled that off, I ask you? 

Now to have this bow-tied commoner come along and make Hanks show the angry face we haven't seen since on him since he was hilariously berating his lady ballplayers in A League of Their Own? And to make him skip out on the WhimsyFest that is a Wes Anderson film premier? That is unacceptable. Unforgivable. An insult to America. And we need to demand this be made right or we attack at dawn. And I will proudly be first off the landing craft as it hits the French beach, as Hanks' Captain Miller was in Saving Private Ryan. Do what you will to me, my country, my faith. But when you make Tom Hanks angry, and thus spoil the charm of an Anderson movie, that is a hill I will gladly die on.