Let's Break Down Jordyn Woodruff's Red Flag Dating Tips

Jordyn Woodruff, our in-house dating expert, recently released a list of red flags (warning signs) in early dating: 

I'd like to expand on the context of these red flags, because I think she left a little meat on the bone here. 

1) Don't text or call (or use snapchat or DMs as main form of communication)

Don't use snapchat after your 23rd birthday. You've entered "grown adult" territory, and you must accept the dreaded responsibilities that come with that phase of life. Time to graduate to those old fashioned, puritanical forms of communication: text message, Facetime, and phone calls. Hell, if you've got a rotary phone, wire that relic to the wall and spin away. Better yet, dial zero and ask an operator to connect you! Whatever you do, do NOT use those juvenile video call features on Snapchat and Instagram, even though they perform in exactly the same way as the acceptable Facetime. God help the poor soul who conveys his/her feelings through the wrong messaging portal! 

2) Ask you to hangout last minute or late [after 9PM]

Oh, you'd like to hang out after 9PM? Sorry, you must have me mistaken for the daughter of a DJ. By 9PM, I'm tucked in with my prayers recited and my mobile of animalia swirling peacefully above my bed, you 7/11 graveyard shift neanderthal.

If you can't hang out after 9PM, then right off the bat, we're disqualifying the entire service industry. No wonder restaurants can't staff their establishments; all those would-be busboys and barbacks are too busy choosing daylight intercourse over their dreadful careers. Also ineligible? Galactic bowling attendants, surgeons who fastidiously piece their way through intricate, 12-hour spinal fusion, janitors who take their jobs seriously, a lot of the airline industry, zookeepers who feed the nocturnal their breakfast... you're all just horny slutfolk unworthy of a second date. Next time, scrub out and let that second-year resident finish the neck. Who cares! Wheelchairs have come miles since FDR, literally and technologically.  

3) Love Bombing

Avoid saying the nicest thing that a human can say to another human. 

4) You start to feel obsessive

If you feel obsessive or insecure, it's their fault. That roiling uncertainty within your stomach? That anxious, constant wondering about whether they like you as much as you like them? All those early romance jitters that used to mean you were just... excited about the person you smooched on the ferris wheel at the county fair? Watch out; you're dating a manipulative psychopath who is gaslighting your emotions into such a tizzy that you'll soon lose touch with your conscience. And, with that out of the way, it's only a short hop towards complete mental servitude. Girls, unless you want to end up like Brie Larson in Room, best to heed your insecurities. Or, you know, "fall in love" and we'll silence our phones against the ensuing amber alerts. For you have made your own bed/dirty mattress on a concrete basement floor, and now you must lie in it. 

Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend, kids. And don't you dare think I love you. 

(PS: I still love both the Mean Girls and believe they are doing the Lord's work. Miss you ladies.)