Looking Back And Grading The INSANE Three Trades That Took Place In The Movie 'Draft Day' Nine Years Ago

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Since it's the NFL Draft and the Browns don't have a first round pick I haven't really been that engaged. Which is fine by me because it's just one less pick to screw up for the abysmal, soul sucking franchise that occupies my fandom with an iron fist like Russia in the Crimean Peninsula.

Then Hubbs sent me a message with a great idea. I should break down just how absolutely fucking absurd the trades are that happened in the movie Draft Day. I'm game even though I lightweight hate that movie.

I have to admit, I never watched it all the way through before. The levels on cringe were too much for me to handle. The scene with the strength coach talking about how strong Brian Drew is and him telling the staff he traded for the first round pick without knowing the cap implications were enough for me to shut it off.

I have seen bits and pieces of the rest probably like how most of you have watched A Christmas Story (another awful movie). You see five minutes here at grandmas and ten minutes there at your aunts, but never felt the need to sit down and watch the whole thing. At least if you have any taste in movies that is. So I took the challenge and rewatched the entire movie today. And HOLY SHIT, is this film ridiculous. Jerry Maguire thinks the plot of this movie is fantasy land

So here is my breakdown of the trades and most ridiculous plot points in a movie I should probably like as a Cleveland fan but definitely hate as a fan of quality cinema.

Right out of the gate this movie is total horse crap. No one in thier right mind drives like that to work unless they are a drug dealer collecting money or just want to stop at Hustler Club for breakfast (it's right next door to the gas station). The scene where him and the owner are talking at an abandoned Geauga Lake amusement park is the one that gets me. I've snuck in there before and they must have spent a shit ton to clean it up because that place was terrifying. Think Scooby Doo ghost town meets meth addicts living in an abandoned mall. 

Once again this is where I shut the movie off the first time. It's so outlandish it's infuriating. Was this movie made for the spouses and children of actual football fans? Then again, trading for the first overall pick, getting absolutely fleeced, and then not even knowing the possible cap ramifications are pretty spot on for the Browns.

Literally that same year in 2014 the real Browns drafted Justin Gilbert eighth overall despite never talking to him and having done minimal research. Which actually worked out pretty good. If by "good" you mean he openly admitted to not liking to wake up early, not liking to practice, and then flamed out of the NFL in less than three seasons. Good times.

Coach Penn being portrayed as some legend and throwing his weight around because he signed for $30 Million over six years is LOL funny. That would literally put him in the bottom five lowest paid coaches in the NFL this season. Shut your mouth, coach the players this laughingstock GM gives you, and collect your last paycheck before retirement. It's what everyone else does when they come to Cleveland.

This is so on brand for the Browns I have to think it's based on an allegedly true story I wrote a blog on a while back. Since I was directed to take that blog down and delete all traces of the podcast I won't go into details here but with a little internet sleuthing you can find it for yourself.

This is the most unrealistic thing ever. Well both parts are actually. Even the biggest douchebag QBs in college have bros from the team hanging around them non-stop. Everyone knows a cash cow when they see them. You're telling me the backup guard - some cornfed country boy from the fields in Wisconsin who grew up dirt poor - wouldn't show up the QB's birthday party? Of course he would. And then he would be his marketing manager, do cocaine on Tuesdays, and bang all the hot girl's hefty friends in whatever city the QB gets drafted.

That's standard operating procedure in the NFL.

And then we have the Wisconsin coach running drills in early April outside what looks like the dorms. Totally unrealistic. I mean can you even imagine a major D1 program holding a spring game where zero crowd shows up?

And here is where we get to the meat and potatoes of the madness. As if the original trade, to move up from the 7th pick to the first for THREE 1st round picks wasn't crazy enough, Sonny Weaver basically bullies two other NFL GMs into giving him back all his first rounders AND their first rounders.

The scene with Jacksonville is so laughable it was hard to keep watching. It was the dumbest scene in this movie. I know Jacksonville was a complete clown show at this time but who in their right mind is moving completely out of the first round for three 2nd round picks because THE HIGHEST RATED QB FELL TO THEM? It doesn't even make sense. 

And I'm sorry, it was the dumbest scene up until he got on the phone with Seattle's GM and strongarmed them into giving back his first round picks. Absolute lunacy all around. These are some of the most stubborn, arrogant men on earth and they're just going to let a 60+ year old Kevin Costner who obviously has no clue what he is doing push them off their picks. Give me a break.

Speaking of 60+…

So anyway, let's grade these dumb ass trades and see which one was the worst.

Trade 1

Cleveland gets:

2014 1st overall Pick

Seattle gets:

2014 7th Overall Pick

2015 1st Round Pick

2016 1st Round Pick

GRADE: C- for Cleveland, A+ for Seattle

Look, it was way too much to trade and he didn't even know if he had the cap space to do it but at the time he seemed to think he was taking his franchise QB. I just wonder if this asshole knew about the draft pick points scale? Does he have internet to look it up? I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do to get "the guy" I guess. Even if that means getting bitch smacked out of an extra 1st rounder because you made a quip about a man's pancakes.

Trade 2 

Cleveland gets:

2014 6th Overall Pick

Jacksonville gets:

2014 2nd Round Pick

2015 2nd Round Pick

2016 2nd Round Pick

GRADE: A+ for Cleveland, On the spot firing and mandatory drug test for Jacksonville

Quite possibly the dumbest trade in the history of sports. If I was the Jags I would sue the studio for slander. It's not even remotely realistic but by this point in the movie that is par for the course.

Trade 3

Cleveland gets:

2014 7th Overall Pick

2015 1st Round Pick

2016 1st Round Pick

Some other stiff

Seattle gets:

2014 6th Overall Pick

Grade: A++++ for Cleveland, and being quartered and dragged by your fanbase while they burn you in effigy for the rest of eternity for Seattle

And my final thoughts on the movie…