The Kool-Aid Man Challenge is Not a Laughing Matter
DISCLAIMER #1: DESTROYING OTHER PEOPLE'S PROPERTY IS BAD AND YOU SHOULD NEVER DO IT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE.
PAINTING YOURSELF RED, BURSTING THROUGH YOUR NEIGHBORS BACKYARD FENCE AND SHOUTING "OH YEAH!" DURING A GENDER REVEAL PARTY IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD NOT DO
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, the concept of the Kool-Aid Man Challenge is very funny. The Kool-Aid Man always gets a laugh out of me. What is he? Is he a man made of Kool-Aid, or just a giant pitcher who just so happens to be filled with Kool-Aid? If he's truly a "Kool-Aid Man", that means he himself is the liquid. If he spills, he's fucked, which makes his habit of recklessly bursting through walls extremely high-risk.
The Kool-Aid Man Challenge has turned into a serious problem. On Long Island in particular. I spoke with long-time Long Island resident and Kool-Aid Man Challenge victim Joey Langone. Langone tells me, "It's an epidemic on the island", and that putting the slats back in his fence was "annoying af".
"If I had a ring doorball on the side they would've gone up on main" - Joey Langone
Again, please do not do the Kool-Aid Man Challenge. You will not go up on main. Unless of course you're the kids who's video I put at the top of this blog. But that's only to show people what they should not be doing. Destroying someone's property is always a shitty thing to do. I'm worried that The Kool-Aid Man Challenge will inspire other brand mascot-themed viral trends. Here are a list of potential trends that you and your family should be on the lookout for this summer
DISCLAIMER #2: PLEASE DO NOT DO ANY OF THESE POTENTIAL VIRAL TRENDS I AM INVENTING
Silly Rabbiting: Gain entry into a strangers home in the morning before they leave for work by wearing some sort of disguise (repair man, pool boy, accountant, etc.). Keep in mind this will need to be a family with a young child. Once you've earned the family's trust and they've let their guard down, steal their child's breakfast and run out the front door.
Lucky Charms Challenge: Hang around outside of a park, school, or anywhere that children play. You'll need to have something in your possession that the kids will desperately want. Dangle the thing over their heads, but don't let them have it. Ideally this results in a chase.
Monopoly Man Challenge: This one is more of a long con. Gradually buy up all the property on a main road in your hometown. Slowly raise the rent until the tenants are forced to relocate. Once everybody is gone (or at least most of them), excavate the street and build a series of hotels and resorts where the small businesses & homes used to be. Turn the street into a massive tourist attraction, and become the most powerful man in the city
Wiley Coyoteing: Camping out on your friend, neighbor, or enemy's roof with a heavy object. When they leave their home, flatten them by dropping the object of your choice on their head. This will likely backfire in an unexpected & hilarious way.
Louis C.K.ing: [redacted]
Michael Jordan Challenge: Grow a Hitler mustache and get away with it (high difficulty)
Tony The Tigering: Forging the necessary paperwork to lie about your age, enter a youth sports league, and dominate the competition.
Mr. Cleaning: Get a job that requires you working at a family's home during the day. Have sex with the housewife while her husband is at work.
Going Cuckoo For Cocoa Puffs: Snorting heaps of cocaine and ransacking your neighbors pantry, destroying their home in the process.
Rick Moranising: Replacing all the furniture in someone's home with giant furniture, so when they wake up they think they've shrunk - OR - punching an unsuspecting stranger in the face
Side Note: How did the Knockout Game ever become a real thing? There's nothing creative about it. It's just punching somebody in the face. Like they thought if they just called it a "game" then somehow that makes it not assault.
Green M&M Challenge: Wearing shoes so sexy that your place of employment is forced to address the issue
Energizer Bunnying: Trailing someone for a long period of time while banging a drum
Will Smith Challenge: Slap a performer while they're on stage
Head on a swivel guys. Be on the lookout for all of these potentially viral challenges this summer. And again, I cannot stress this enough, do not perform any of these challenges under any circumstances. If I hear reports of any of you guys Wiley Coyoteing I'm going to be pissed.
Stay safe out there