Aaron Rodgers Announced His Decision Too Quickly, Needs To Be Prepared In Case Deal To Jets Falls Through
In the eyes of many, Aaron Rodgers has dragged out his decision for far too long. However, today on a competing YouTube show (a YouTube show I will not name so that you don't learn about it and decide to avert your attention away from Barstool Sports), he stated that it is his intention to play for the New York Jets. Rodgers told this mystery YouTuber that he is not the person holding up the deal. He says the official announcement is being held up by negotiations between the Packers & Jets.
To be honest with you, I need to come up with a better transition than, "To be honest with you,". But until I do, to be honest with you, I think Aaron Rodgers is being hasty with this announcement. Sure, it's your intention to play for the Jets, but things aren't always that simple. We don't always get what we want. There is likely a reason things are being held up between the 2 sides. It's not guaranteed that the Jets & Packers will come to an agreement. What does Rodgers do if his deal with the Jets falls off the table?
This next paragraph address Aaron Rodgers directly:
What then, Aaron Rodgers? Are you prepared to make a decision if negotiations go south? If that happens, are you in the right state of mind to deal with it? It took you 4 days of complete and total darkness in a room with a working light switch for your carefully curated mind to decide that you wanted to continue your career. Then you landed on the New York Jets. If for whatever reason the Jets don't work out, you're going to have to make yet another decision. That means going through another painstakingly viral media stunt to get your mind back to where it needs to be. Whether that decision is to retire, or join the Indianapolis Colts, you simply have to put yourself in the right mental space.
That tweet is a joke. Aaron Rodgers did not announce such a thing on YouTube. It was nothing more than cheap joke made for an ok amount of likes. I do not think Aaron Rodgers should really go on a 2 week fast in a Vietnamese prison camp before coming to a verdict on where he will play next season.
SIKE
That is exactly what Aaron Rodgers needs to do. This is a man who has made millions upon millions of dollars doing dumb publicity stunts like this. He's about to sign a contract for millions more. Evidently this shit works. Aaron Rodgers is worth $200 million dollars. How much money are you worth? Have you ever spent 4 days in darkness? Have you ever traveled to South America to go on a spiritual ayahuasca journey? Oh, you haven't? Maybe you fucking should.
Whatever Aaron Rodgers has done in the past has clearly worked. If the Jets deal falls through, he's going to need to do it again. It's my opinion that Rodgers has put himself in a bad position by pre-maturely announcing his intentions today to some random vlogger. Imagine how embarrassing it would be if the Jets don't work out. If that happens, he's going to need to do something even more drastic to get his mind right yet again. A 2 week fast in a Vietnamese prison camp might be exactly what he needs. And if that's not quite his speed, I present to you 5 additional "excursions" that will prepare his brain to make the correct decision.
Quiet Room
4 days in darkness was clearly an effective strategy, so why not try a quiet room? Thankfully, in 2015, Microsoft constructed the quietest room in the world.
Classic FM - After a number of minutes, you’ll begin to hear your own heartbeat. Stick it out a little longer, and you’ll hear your own blood flowing and bones grinding.
With no sound from the outside world allowed in, the almost absolute silence will gradually manifest itself as an unbearable ringing in your ears.
And when all that fun is over, you’ll likely lose your balance, because the lack of reverberation in the room sabotages your in-built spatial awareness.
I've never heard of a room more up Aaron Rodgers alley than Microsoft's quiet room. Normal people can't stay there for more than an hour without having a full blown panic attack, but I think if we locked Aaron Rodgers in there for a week, it would be good for him. Rest assured, when he is finally released, he'll be ready to make a decision.
Bear Hunting in The Kamchatka Peninsula of Far East Russia
Not only is Kamchatka the preferred liquor of a 16-year old John Rich who just stole a crisp 20 dollar bill from his mom's purse, it's also the best place in the world to hunt enormous, wild bears. Aaron Rodgers has been tormenting Bears his whole career. Taking down a ferocious 600-pound grizzly with a .72 caliber rifle in a location so deep into Russia that even Hitler wouldn't send his troops there… That would be symbolic. After spending a day sleeping inside of the bear (i.e. Leonard DiCaprio in The Revenent), Aaron Rodgers would surely be in the right head space to come to a verdict.
Surgical Osteomy
A surgical osteomy is a procedure performed by a reconstructive surgeon. It involves breaking the patient's femurs and/or tibias, then inserting a magnetic rod to increase the length of their legs. It is excruciatingly painful, and will undoubtedly hinder Aaron Rodgers mobility in the pocket. It would, however, make him up to 6 inches taller. As Rodgers ages, his mobility is going to fade regardless. But if he were 6'8", his mobility would be much less of a concern. A surgical osteomy would not only lengthen Rodger's legs, it would lengthen his career. But more importantly, Aaron Rodgers loves "taking a journey" before making a big decision. A horribly painful journey of recovery might be exactly what the 39-year old quarterback needs to gain clarity on his future.
9/11 Hero Simulation
Joe Scarnici. Getty Images.Hear me out. It's no secret that Aaron Rodgers is an ego-maniac. When dealing with an ego-maniac, sometimes you need to bite the bullet and feed that part of their brain. Consider this. Do you remember 9/11? Well, we set Aaron Rodgers up for a flight with roughly 100 passengers + full flight crew. All of them are actors. Halfway through the flight, 4 angry men stand up and announce that they are hijacking the plane, and will be flying it directly into Lambeau Field. The passengers start to freak out.
"OMG THEY'RE HIJACKING THE PLANE, SOMEBODY HELP US!"
"ARE THERE ANY TALENTED, ABLE-BODIED PASSENGERS ON BOARD WHO CAN STOP THEM?! MAYBE A PROFESSIONAL ATHELTE OF SOME SORT?!"
"OMG LOOK, IT'S AARON RODGERS! HELP US AARON RODGERS, YOU'RE OUR ONLY HOPE!!"
Aaron Rodgers springs into action. He finds a strategically placed led pipe below his seat and charges the hijackers. The hijackers will have those fake weapons that they use for movies, so he won't be in any real danger. There's a long cinematic fight between Rodgers and the hijackers. After about 10 minutes of action, Aaron Rodgers is able to apprehend the hijackers and save the day.
When the plane lands, Rodgers is greeted by hundreds of media members, and thousands of fans thanking him for his heroic act of bravery.
"AARON RODGES WE LOVE YOU! YOU'RE A NATIONAL HERO! ETC."
Rodgers stands at a podium conveniently setup outside of the airport gate, and gives an extraordinarily humble speech. The crowd goes wild. After the speech, he's greeted by Mark Wahlberg who shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for your service Mr. Rodgers. Even I couldn't have done what you did today."
Following the simulation, Aaron Rodgers heads home in the right mindset to make a sound decision.
Recovering from a Severe Drug Addiction
Those who are able to overcome severe drug addictions always come out the other side with a fresh outlook on life. We have 6 months until the start of the NFL season. That is PLENTY enough time to develop and overcome a severe addiction. I'm thinking a combination of heroin and Xanax would be the hardest to overcome. Obviously, we would have a trained professional administer the drugs, so he becomes hopelessly addicted in a safe manner. We'll slowly build his tolerance until Rodgers body becomes reliant on copious amounts of drugs taken multiple times per day. 2 months before the start of the season, he'll check into rehab. The first month will be hell on earth for Rodgers. It will be harder than anything he's ever done in his entire life. There will be times where he wants to die. But in the end, he'll get through it. By the start of the season, the withdrawals will be over, and he'll be mentally prepared to take on whatever comes next.
Most likely, none of this will be necessary. If all goes to plan, the 4 day darkness retreat will be enough, and Aaron Rodgers will be a New York Jet next season. I just want him to be prepared for the worst case scenario. If god forbid the Jets and Packers are unable to come to terms, then we may have to revisit these options.