America, FUCK YEAH! Lunchables Will Be Added To School Lunch Programs Nationwide Starting Next Year

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CNN- Kraft Heinz has succeeded in getting its ready-to-eat packaged Lunchables into school lunch programs starting this fall, in a major new initiative. But the company had to reformulate the ingredients to ensure the products meet federal guidelines first.

This would mark the first time Lunchables are directly entering schools, the company told CNN Business Tuesday. Kraft Heinz said the new products will be available nationwide to all school administrators to procure and offer to students either for purchase in the lunchroom – though the company did not disclose the cost to schools – or for free through the National School Lunch Program (NSLP).

In addition to rolling out Lunchables in schools, the company said it’s also testing the addition of packaged Lunchables fruits for sale in stores later this year, “with the potential to scale nationally in 2024.”

Wait, wait, wait. I thought the American education system was failing our children. How can that be the case when Lunchables are being offered in every cafeteria across the country? 

If you pulled that yellow package out of your bookbag at the lunch table, you immediately let it be known that your parents didn't fuck around (or didn't have the time or patience to make your lunch). You weren't quite on the level of the kid that got to bring McDonald's in after a doctor appointment or someone that stopped at a deli on their way in. But you still were a tier or two above the common kids brown bagging it, whose tears you would drink once you were done slurping the Capri Sun of your fresh Lunchable.

I don't want to hear people complain about the "nutritional value" of the Lunchables being shoved down our kids throats either because I think we all remember what cafeterias were tossing on our styrofoam trays back in the day. There is no way the makeup of that chicken patty or sloppy joe is any worse than the Oscar Mayer meat and cheese your kid is throwing on some crackers with their Lunchable. Don't get me wrong, you aren't getting anything close to Boar's Head level quality of meat, which is my personal gold standard for lunch meats. But you aren't getting anything worse than whatever the lunch ladies have been slinging for years, as long as they don't serve something like this in the schools, which would be the most 'Merican thing ever.

Actually you know what? Forget all that. I'm pretty sure the constitution says you can eat anything for lunch that has the word Lunchable on it. That's the reason George Washington lifted all those weights back in the 1700s.

So sit back American parents, enjoy raising your kids on Lunchables, and turn our theme song up to 100.