'Twas The Night Before Mobile Sports Gambling Became Legal in Massachusetts
Twas the night before Mass. Gambling and all through the state
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Nate
The app stores were ready to be opened with care
In hopes the Barstool Sportsbook would soon be live there
The 21 AND OVER ADULTS were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of Parlay Pluses danced in their heads
Mintz in his kerchief and I in my shorts
Had just settled down to write his daily reports
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
A startled Mintzy got up and shrieked “Sup fellas, what’s the matter?”
We scurried to the window but then had to pause
Mintz had to take a quick call about Hogs For The Cause
But then what to my wondering eyes should I see
But a miniature sleigh and eight Barstool employees
With a driver so handsome, rich, tan, funny, charming, and brave
Well I knew in a moment, it must be St. Dave
More rapid than eagles, his bloggers they came
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name
“On Big Cat, on Clancy, on PFT, and Handsome Hank
On Zah, on Spider, on Glenny and Frank the Tank!
To the top of the porch, to the top of the walls
Now, dash away, dash away, dash away Balls!”
So up to the rooftop the bloggers they flew
With a sleigh full of Barstool Exclusives and St. Portnoy too
And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
Frank the Tank yelling something about “motherfucking Darin Ruf”
As I drew in my head and was turning around
Down the chimney St. Portnoy came with a bound
He was dressed in all leather from his head to his toes
He looked like a man one bad shoulder away from the pros
A bundle of promo offers he he had flung on his back
A bevy of Boston Bonus bets filled up the sack
His eyes, how they twinkled, blue enough to turn a straight man gay
His cheeks were like roses, his nose not nearly as big as they say
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a smile
His beard one of the most perfectly shaved I’ve seen in awhile
I saw his narrow face and his six pack of abs as I lurked
I guess doing that sit up club must have actually worked
His hair looked like a surfer and his tan was quite super
For a second I thought he might’ve been Bradley Cooper
He spoke not a word as he imagined his enemies in ruins
Filling the stockings with bonus bets for the Celtics and Bruins
As he rose up the chimney, I heard him whisper quite low
“Hey Boston, make sure you bet with the guys that you know”
He sprang to his sleigh, and his team got to their seats
Frank the Tank yelling about his order from Uber Eats
But I heard Dave exclaim as he drove out of sight
“Responsible Betting to all and to all a goodnight”
