Sam Bankman Fried Will Be Forced To Use a Flip Phone Without Internet From Here On Out

What. A. Loser. 

Just when you thought SBF's life couldn't get any more pathetic, a judge has decided to punish him like a kid that got caught jerking it to Carmen Electra nudes on the family Gateway 2000 (via Kazaa, obviously).

Per a modification to Sam's bail conditions, he'll be forced to use a "non-smartphone" from here on out. His flip phone can't be connected to the internet and he can only make calls or send SMS text messages. Enjoy using T9, dork.

Bloomberg - Sam Bankman-Fried’s communication device will be a flip phone or some other “non-smartphone” without internet capabilities or such access disabled while he’s out on bail, prosecutors said.

Limiting the FTX founder’s access to a device that gained popularity when he was about three years old is the latest development in a fight over his communications. The functions on his phone will be restricted to voice calls and SMS text messages.

But wait, there's more…

He also can't communicate with any current or former FTX employees (that includes his former boo thang, Caroline Ellison) and is banned from using any encrypted messaging platforms, like Signal. You might recall that prosecutors were furious after they found out that SBF had been using Signal to reach out to former FTX employees. Which some might call witness tampering.

And that's just his phone…

He's not TOTALLY banned from the interwebs. The gang bang connoisseur is allowed to access the web via a laptop, but he's limited to two categories of sites: 1) those necessary for his defense, and 2) a list of 23 others.

Those 23 include…

Bloomberg - The second list of 23 websites for Bankman-Fried’s personal use include various news sites, Netflix, DoorDash, Uber Eats, Major League Baseball and the National Football League. 

Can we stop pretending that SBF watches sports? Listen, I get it, you don't need to be a former athlete or even be remotely in shape to be a sports fan. But this dude does not watch sports…

JUSTIN LANE. Shutterstock Images.

Also, as much as I hate this guy, a man has needs. Cruel and unusual punishment is unacceptable per the 8th amendment last time I checked. Is he supposed to just go from the spank bank? How are there no adult sites listed?

And before you say… "well, he's living with his parents, he can just use the family computer in the basement"… he can't. His parent's computers and devices will also be monitored.

PS - Billy Football joined Large and I in studio for the latest episode of The Family Office. We chatted about how close Billy was to becoming a finance bro, how he put his money to work after securing the bag in his Rough N Rowdy fight vs. Jose Canseco, the changes at Barstool since the Penn deal, and much more.

Or you can listen on Spotify or Apple…