The Fund Run by Sam Bankman-Fried's Weirdo Orgy Cult Girlfriend 'Borrowed' $9.3 Billion from FTX as it was Losing $8.8 Billion

JUSTIN LANE. Shutterstock Images.

While we're all waiting for the inevitable FTX Investments multi-part docuseries, the FTX true crime podcasts, and the FTX movie directed by Adam McKay, with Sam Bankman-Fried played either by Jonah Hill or Christian Bale after going through another of his legendary body transformations, here's a quick recap. 

It truly is a tale as old as time. Boy gets into the field of financial planning. Boy meets girl Boy and girl meet 10 other boys and girls. They form a polygamy cult and live together in a house in the Bahamas. Boy and girl each manage funds with assets in the tens of billions of dollars:

Girl overshares her personal philosophy of polyamory, sexual competition, crypto, fraud, and the benefits of living that Chinese Harem Life:

Decrypt - Now, details from a blog linked to Ellison have begun to shed light on the former Alameda CEO’s personal beliefs and world philosophy—one shaped by hardline views on polyamory and sexual competition … went by the name of “Fake Charity Nerd Girl” and the handle “worldoptimization.” …

“When I first started my first foray into poly, I thought of it as a radical break from my trad past,” the account wrote in February 2020, two years into Ellison’s stint at Alameda Research. “But tbh, I’ve come to decide the only acceptable style of poly is best characterized as something like ‘imperial Chinese harem.’”

The account went on to detail how a polyamorous dynamic should ideally function as a cutthroat market of sexual competition and subjugation. 

“None of this non-hierarchical bullshit,” the account elaborated. “Everyone should have a ranking of their partners, people should know where they fall on the ranking, and there should be vicious power struggles for the ranks.” 

Boy and girl separately manage to make $32 billion of other people's money vanish like a fart in the wind. Boy loses girl:

Sad, but true. Fake Charity Nerd Girl turned on the man who was once 1/10th of her love life and turned state's evidence in exchange for a plea deal, and testified against SBF. On a side note, it's not hard to picture that scene in the movie. An orange-jumpsuited Bankman-Fried makes eye contact with Caroline Ellison as she's being escorted out of the building after giving her deposition, and he's devastated to learn he is, at last, all alone in the world.

And I'm just spitballing here, but I like Bella Ramsey from The Last of Us as Caroline:

It's more than a documentary/true crime/Oscar bait movie. It's positively Shakespearean. Love. Power. Unattractive sex partners. Betrayal. Tragedy. And above all, a tangled web weaved by those who practice to deceive. And for all involved, the plot just delivered a huge reveal:

Source - The bankrupt crypto exchange FTX has said $8.8 billion in customer funds are unaccounted for in a 'massive shortfall' that casts doubt on whether bilked clients will ever see their money back.

In a presentation to creditors publicly released on Thursday, the auditors leading FTX through bankruptcy said they had identified just $2.8 billion in assets towards the $11.6 billion that customers are owed from their accounts.

If that $8.8 billion was used fraudulently, FTX would rank as one of the biggest scams in US history, behind the $78 billion Enron scandal, as well as the $65 billion Bernie Madoff is estimated to have stolen from his clients. …

Three of Bankman-Fried's top lieutenants at FTX, including his former lover, Alameda boss Caroline Ellison, have pleaded guilty to fraud charges and agreed to cooperate with the investigation.

The new report, overseen by FTX restructuring chief John J. Ray III, found that the customer funds shortfall was primarily traceable to Alameda's 'net borrowing' of $9.3 billion from FTX.com, the company's international exchange. 

It also confirmed that a total of $432 million in FTX assets disappeared in 'unauthorized transfers' in the midst of the bankruptcy chaos.

Just to provide some scale to the massive fraud being talked about here, $432 million was lost in the shuffle and it's barely noticed. It gets mentioned as an afterthought in like the 20th paragraph of this report. That much fell between the sofa cushions while the real money was being handed back and forth between these two crazy, star-crossed lovers. 

In no way will I try to pass as having any expertise in matters like this. When I sold my house last year an bought a new one, I had to ask the nice woman at the mortgage company to explain the process of how the money changes hands like I'm a 4-year-old. But it seems pretty easy to understand that when your girlfriend is "borrowing" more money from your fund than your fund owns, and then said money is nowhere to be found, the question is what she did with it. 

I mean, take most of the zeros away and this is 3rd grade word problem level stuff:

Sam is holding onto his friends money from them and discovers $8.80 is missing. Caroline says she took $9.30 from Sam's piggy bank because she wants a copy of Hogwarts Legacy to play with her many nerdy love interests. Now she has none of the money and no game to show for it. How much does Caroline owe Sam and his friends?

But it's a trick question. The answer is $0.00 because Caroline cut a deal with the prosecutors, while Sam rots in prison. And believe me, in no way, shape or form do I feel bad for him or expect anyone else to. It's just that this is a positively wild scenario where Ellison and Alameda just "borrowed" almost $10 billion and it's all gone. Bankman-Fried and FTX can't explain what happened to almost $9 billion. And another almost half a billion just kind of got lost in the shuffle. 

Amazing. Simply amazing. I'm going to try not to let this destroy my faith in the integrity of financial planners who live in polyamorous sex cults in the Bahamas and invest your life's savings in made up currency. But mutual funds are looking better by the day.