My Transformation is Almost Complete

Hey John, you wanna be a member of the Tungsten Federation of Greater New York? It's the heaviest natural occurring element in the world. For the low low price of $100 + shipping/handling, you will receive a card in the mail that's heavier than most cards, and you'll get put in a group chat with some of the cool kids at Barstool.

Then maybe one day you'll get invited to an Official Tungsten Federation of Greater New York meeting. It'll be awesome. They'll hang a banner and everything. Everyone will bring their super heavy tungsten cards and we'll all share a laugh. So much fun. Maybe you'll even get to be in a group photo.

You've been going to the gym lately. You've even hit the tanning booth a few times, since it came free with your gym membership. It's actually been a good couple weeks for you health-wise. You don't look like you started a buyer's club or anything.

I'm only writing about this because they're making me. I thought this was Barstool Sports. I was hoping to wake up this morning and write a lengthy blog about what the Boston Red Sox 3-0 start in the Grapefruit League means for their chances to win the AL East. But nope, you don't get my baseball takes now. You get a blog about myself. I hope you hate it.

It's a little embarrassing for you that you don't understand what makes a hot guy in 2023. I wouldn't be shocked if I receive a phone call from Vogue today offering to triple my salary to quit Barstool Sports and become a runaway model for their newest, longest shirts. 

Dean Chapple. Shutterstock Images.

Obviously, if I wanted to, I could play it safe. I could get some sleep, eat regular meals, stop injecting a heroin/bath salt cocktail I call "John Juice" directly into my eyeballs, but why would I do that? To look like this?

Gross. Maybe in 2020 that would have been cool, but get with the times. My transformation is nearly complete. I'm about 3 shades of eye bags away from receiving a joint FaceTime from Ariana Grande & Kate Becknisale, asking me to meet them in Tribeca for sex, followed by a walk in the park where we can be photographed by paparazzi and come out as New York City's hottest new throuple. 

Get your jokes out now people. We'll see who has the last laugh. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go murder a homeless man to work.