A Breakdown Of Some Of The World's Coolest Hats
About every other Blog Wheel ruins my entire week of blogging. I enjoy the challenge, but a lot of times I just can't come up with anything funny at all. I went through a lot of phases on this one. I wrote a full blog on Thursday that included about 14 hats, but I couldn't bring myself to hit publish. It sucked a lot. Not that I'm against publishing a blog that sucks every now and then, but that one really sucked. To sum it up, the blog said, "HAHAH OMG GUYS LOOK AT THESE FUNNY HATS." It was bad, and I hated it.
Then Friday I started to make a list of 50 hats. I thought, "Fuck it, I'm just going to rank hats 1-50." That probably would have been fine, but I got half way through and was disgusted with my list. So I scrapped that too. I guess I only went through 2 phases, but either way, I'm now at the point where I have spent a bunch of time doing absolutely nothing, all for a blog that relatively speaking nobody is going to read. I could have wrote 4 blogs about Jackson Mahomes by now that would have set the blog on fire.
Anyways, I started it over this morning and wrote this in under 2 hours. I didn't completely hate it, so this is what I'm going with. I'm not sure it's any better, but whatever, here are some fucking hats.
Coolest Religious Hat: Turban
The turban is the most popular hat in the world (probably). The turban comes in so many varieties (white, black, blue, red, pink, other colors, etc.). The turban transcends hats. It's so popular, that some people don't even consider it a hat, but more so a permanent part of someone's head. But don't let anybody tell you different, a turban is a hat, and it's a damn good one.
Coolest Food Hat (Tie): Carmen Miranda Fruit Hat/Frank Fleming Hot Dog Hat
In the 1950's the hottest women in the world balanced various tropical fruits a top their head. If a man could pull a woman in a fruit hat…. damn. If you were a dad, and your son brought home a woman wearing fruit hat, then you know you raised him right. The fruit hat of the 21st century is none other than Frank Fleming's Hot Dog hat. The same rules apply. Anybody who manages to pin down Frank The Tank would be a hell of a woman. Richelle Ryan of porn fame couldn't even do it. She had to settle for a lesser man.
Coolest Flat Bill: Cookie Monster Flat Bill
I know I'm not the first person at Barstool Sports to cover the Cookie Monster Flat Bill, but I couldn't write a blog about cool hats without including it. A man typically goes through his Cookie Monster Flat Bill phase between grades 5-8, and graduates to a Monster Energy Flat Bill when he reaches high school.
Coolest Government Hat: Buckingham Palace Guard Hat
The King's Guard strikes fear in the hearts of any man or woman who dares to breach the walls of Buckinham Palace. The large intimidating hats that look like fuzzy black dicks help make up for the fact that their guns aren't loaded, and that they aren't allowed to move under any circumstance.
Coolest Practical Hat (Umbrella Hat/Basket)
I would like to know how much money the male model made from his Umbrella Hat photoshoot. It's a shame that Umbrella Hats are considered a joke. If Umbrella Hats were socially acceptable, our lives would be much easier. The way it is now, if you want to be dry, you need to dedicate an entire arm to the cause. With an umbrella hat, you can be dry and have 2 free hands all at once. My life would also be much easier if I could carry a basket on my head. If I had the skills to wear a basket hat, it would make carrying my laundry down 5 flights of stairs every Sunday a much simpler task.
Coolest Fictional Hat: Inspector Gadget's Hat
It's not particularly close in this category. Inspector Gadget's hat has so many great features. For starters, it has an umbrella that not only keeps him dry, but also acts as a parachute when falling from high distances. It has binoculars, a large mallet, a magnifying glass, a can of spray that can freeze things instantly, a siren, a jack hammer, and Go-Go-Gadget Hands that can be used for pleasuring himself, or a consenting woman sexual partner (not assuming the sexuality of Inspector Gadget)
Coolest Pope Hat: Red Cowboy Hat
Mimmo Chianura. Shutterstock Images.The Pope wears his red cowboy hat when the spreads the word of Catholicism across the American Southwest
Coolest Hat For Sale On The Internet: Let's Rage Trucker Hat
Celebrate St. Paddy's Day the right way with a Let's Rage Trucker Hat from the Barstool Sports Store. Be sure to use promo code RICH at check out. You won't receive a discount. It most likely doesn't do anything, but maybe on the backend somebody will see that someone tried to use promo code RICH, and they'll let Dave Portnoy know that I'm out here slinging merch. Couldn't hurt to try.
Coolest Hat To Commit a Crime In: Ski Mask
It's imperative to cover your face when committing a crime to make it more difficult for the authorities to identify you after the fact. It qualifies as a hat because you wear it on top of your head like a beanie leading up to the crime, then pull it over your face when shit is about to go down.
Honorable Mention (no category):
Pharrell Williams Wearing a Yarmulke