In an All Time Power Move, Kim Jong Un is Forcing Everyone With the Same Name as His 10 Year Old Daughter to Change Theirs

KCNA. Shutterstock Images.

Last week, while we corrupt, capitalist pigs in the decadent West were planning our Super Bowl menus and dodging spy balloon UFOs, the Dear Leader of North Korea was throwing a massive military parade and semi-Debutante Ball for his 10 year old daughter, who is presumably someday going to inherit the family business of carrying on the Marxist revolution, "re-educating" dissidents, and keeping their country both figuratively and literally in the dark:

Shutterstock Images.

I mean, who even knew he was a family guy? Between writing all those operas and carding a perfect 18 for 18 holes on a regulation course, who has time for the simple joys of unprotected sex? But you don't get to be the General Secretary of the Workers' Party of Korea, Chairman of the Central Military Commission, President of the State Affairs, Marshal in the Korean People's Army, and Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces if you can't multitask like a son of a gun. 

And the man the state run press calls "Respected Comrade Kim Jong-un" is no ordinary, garden variety girl dad. He's not content to settle for tea parties, learning the names of her My Pretty Ponies and taking her to the elementary school Father-Daughter Dance. This is a man who knows how to treat his little princess:

Source - North Korean authorities reportedly are forcing residents who share the same name as Kim Jong Un’s daughter, Ju-ae, to change their identities to something else. 

The orders are part of the regime’s effort to build mystique around Kim Ju-ae, according to the South China Morning Post. She is believed to be between 9 and 10 years old. 

A source told Radio Free Asia that in one northern province, a security official "summoned women registered with the resident registration division under the name 'Ju-ae' to the Ministry of Safety to change their names." …

"[T]he Pyongsong City Security Department issued an internal order from the central government to change the name of women who use the name ‘Ju-ae’ within a week," another source told the website. …

The news agency said North Korean media in November introduced Kim Ju-ae as an "adorable" and "noble daughter".

What an unbelievable flex. Every dad wants their kid to feel special. Imagine having the power to just order, by executive fiat, that your baby girl be the only one in a country of millions to have her name. It doesn't matter if the name is common as dirt, or it's like one of Elon Musk's kid's. Whether nobody else has that name, or it's so popular it appears on little license plates they sell at Spencer Gifts to hang on the back of your bike. They will obey the order or find themselves digging ditches in some camp someplace. If they're lucky. 

As a father myself, I can't pretend I'm not a little jealous. Imagine being able to look your children in the eye and tell them, "I love you Only One in the Country With Your Name much." The best I can do is cure and smoke homemade bacon when my boys are visiting and Venmo them some money when they need it. How pathetic does that sound next to this? 

The best part of it from his and her point of view is it doesn't even matter how long you've been going by Kim Ju-ae. You could be 80 years old. Have it monogrammed on all your clothes. Have it on your vanity license plates and coffee mugs you got as a gift. It doesn't matter. You didn't get there first; the Kim Jue-ae was the original Kim Jue-ae the second her dad said she was. So get your tired ass down to the terrifyingly Orwellian sounding Ministry of Safety, and they'll tell you what your name is, nobody. Oh, and bring every document you've ever had. Birth Certificate, high school diploma, car registration, voter registration, passport, frequent flyer miles, gym membership, and Bed, Bath & Beyond card with you. And don't make plans, former Jim Ju-ae. You're going to be there a while. 

Political leader. Military commander. Composer. Athlete. And now we learn, great, great dad. There is simply no limit to what this man can do.