Valentine's Day PSA: Busting Quickly Is Actually Good

Symptoms of Delayed Ejaculation

According to the DSM-5, delayed ejaculation is defined by four symptoms with a choice of seven specifiers. 1. an inability to climax during sex with a partner about 75-100% of the time, with either a delay in ejaculation or infrequent or absent ejaculation.

Prevalence

According to the DSM-5, 75% of men report always reaching orgasm during sex. The DSM-5 also notes Delayed Ejaculation is the “least common male sexual complaint”.

My fiance is getting her Master's in mental health counseling so we have a lot of medical books just sitting around the house. One such book is the DSM, or the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Basically it is the reference guide for mental health professionals to diagnose and help treat different types of mental illness.

This morning she was organizing her DSM with different sticky notes when she got to this page. She turned to me and said, "see babe, It's not a bad thing." At first I didn't know how to take it. Was she saying that I take a long time to ejaculate during sex? That I am providing TOO MUCH pleasure for TOO LONG a period of time?

I very quickly realized that she does indeed understand how time works and that was not at all what she was saying. She was busting my balls for being a two pump chump. Happy Valentine's Day to you too, sweetheart.

I always felt like 3 minutes was plenty of time to get the job done for all parties involved. In professional bull riding you only have to stay on for eight seconds. So technically I am throwing D with the power of over 22 bulls. You're welcome.

She sat there with a boastful smirk on her face, thinking she had just boom, roasted me. But au contraire pretty lady. Doesn't that passage in your shrink manual mean that I'm mentally healthy for busting quick? That if I lasted all night and made love passionately allowing you to achieve multiple orgasms I would belong in a straightjacket locked away in Arkham Asylum? Chalk this one up as a win for the good guys.

Thrillist - The sex toy retailer Lovehoney (motto: "The Sexual Happiness People") surveyed 4,400 of its customers to find that most heterosexual couples have sex that lasts for an average of 19 minutes. Typically that amounts to about 10 minutes of foreplay and 9 of penetrative intercourse. Of the couples surveyed, 52% said they were happy with that number, while 23% of men and 19% of women said they wanted longer sexy sessions.

Be careful what you wish for ladies. You want a man whose pleasure ride to pound town can last an entire episode of Dahmer? Well then you better be prepared to watch some fucked up VHS tapes and ignore the scent coming from the oil drum in the corner of the room. Those hour-long dick downs come with a price tag. 

Your man being quick to shoot a rope should be a relief. He's thinking about how amazing you look and how amazing you feel. His premature ejaculation is just a hot, sticky thank you card for being the love of his life.

If a guy takes forever to bust then he is probably a lunatic who is fantasizing about the paper stock of business cards while you have lost all feeling in your limbs from them being elevated so long.

And busting quickly is completely normal. Society and pop culture has hammered in our head from a young age that men cum too quickly and woman are left unsatisfied. But that can't be right because when I get a little too nervous in the service my chick always says nice things to me.

"It's OK."

"Don't worry about it."

"You'll get em' next time!"

These types of positive affirmations are the foundation of a healthy relationship.

Being a minute man is normal and you don't have to take my word for it. Just check out this guy from Planned Parenthood that looks like a kid Bob Ross prematurely ejaculated into one of his happy little tree groupies while on tour. If anyone knows about fucking it's this guy.

See. And that dude is oozing sexuality. 

So this Valentine's Day don't hold yourself to some unrealistic standard that Hollywood and romance novels have created. Instead, maybe take a shot at the tried and true 15/15/30 method pioneered by our very own Stu Feiner. 

Yes, it requires 30 minutes of sexual penetration but even he says, "if you can't hold you load, bring a vibrator." Seems pretty simple to me. Just make sure that bad boy is fully charged because it's 2023 and you're not a lunatic. You are going to need that thing to run for at least 27 minutes.