A "Seat Filler" From The Grammy's That Sat Next To Jennifer Lopez, Ben Afleck and Beyonce Breaks Down Her Experience

First off, obligatory: 

Back in HS, I took an aptitude test as a senior. It was something like 50 multiple choice questions and at its conclusion, it gives advice on what college degree and career I should look to pursue based on my answers. 

The test told me I should be a chimney sweep. I had nothing else to offer anything other than cleaning smokey ash out of people's flues. 

It was actually fucked up and probably the reason I'm so downtrodden and beaten today. I didn't want to be a chimney sweep! Get all dirty and sooty and gross. Plus, I don't like tight spaces. No thank you. 

Anways, my life long dream was to be a bullpen catcher. I thought I'd be perfect for it since I had 4 years of D3 bullpen catching experience already. Figured it'd be a great way to make a livable wage and watch 162 baseball games a year. Only have to work February through October too. Winters off. 

Then I asked around to get the deets on how to land this gig. Was told bullpen catchers make around $70,000 a year and are tipped out by the pitching staff at the end of each season. SOLD! Except those factors make it one of the most sought after jobs on the planet apparently.

You guys know as much as I do that I don't have a brain. I'm like the Scarecrow in Wizard of Oz. I'm not good at anything at all. That said, I know how to stand, walk and sit. Ya know, perform basic motor functions. How can I package those skills into a profession that pays me money? I couldn't ever figure it out. 

Then I saw this video from a seat filler who sat next to Bey and Bennifer at the Grammy's last weekend:

BOOM!!!! Fellas… I've found my calling card. Sitting in a chair. Like I said, I'm not good at anything at all, but I know for a stone cold FACT there's not many people as good at sitting down as I am. Consider my interest piqued. I'm sure since it's Hollywood and everyone is rich that the salary will be good and I'll have union protection and full health benefits too aka stuff that we don't get as indentured servants at Barstool Sports (kidding!) How sick would it be to sit between people like Carson Daley and Fred Durst? And hear them argue about who Christina Aguilera gave head to first? 

That'd be a sick gig if I do say so myself

Real talk though, kinda cool hearing the back story of this video: 

And finding out Ben was actually being kinda self deprecating about it. Maybe everyone in Hollywood isn't a smug mega douche after all! .