Dumping Them Out: Cigarette Speed Rankings
Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. The amount of Boob/Ass GIFs I have saved on my computer from doing this blog is getting out of hand. Every Sunday I save 10 new GIF's and I never delete them. Half of my hard drive is boobs and ass. This blog is probably the best contribution I've made to Barstool Sports since I've been hired. Kind of depressing.
I've come to realize that if I want to be successful at Barstool Sports, I need to start making lists. A good 1 through 5 list (or power ranking) is the cornerstone of any successful content creator. If it wasn't for lists, Barstool would have long since been sold to the Saudi Arabian Government. So this episode of Dumping Them Out is going to be dedicated to lists. But what in the hell am I going to list? All the good lists have been taken. I don't have an especially wide knowledge of sports. I can't just rattle off the "Top 5 Foreign NFL Draft Picks of the 1980's" like some of my co-workers can. I am however a degenerate, so I can rank things like cigarettes.
Since Power Rankings are a little played out, I'm going to do Speed Rankings. Speed Rankings are made up of the first things that pop into your mind. They're very prone to leaving things out.
Speed Rankings of Cigarettes
5. L&M Blues - The go to choice when your in a pinch and need something cheap.
4. Virginia Slim 120's - A nice treat when you don't feel like a harsh cigarette. Makes you like a fancy old rich woman.
3. Newports - Sometimes you need a menthol
2. Marlboro 27's. The cigarettes I've purchased most in my life. Always get the job done. Not overly expensive, and oftentimes they were $1 off.
1. Parliament/P-Funks. Clearly the best cigarette in the game. Hits so smooth, and the ecessed filter reduces the risk of lung cancer.
Speed Rankings of Worst Cigarettes
5. Marlboro Black - Like if Marlboro Reds were worse
4. Maverick Reds - Never had one. Never even considering having one.
3. Camel Wides - Might as well just smoke a cigar.
2. American Spirts - Any of them. Way too much cigarette for one sitting. I don't have 30 minutes to smoke a cig. Always feel sick afterward
1. Newport Reds - Used to cost $4. I bought them all the time when I was poor. Absolutely disgusting.
Speed Rankings of Places To Smoke A Cigarette
5. Roof - Sitting on a roof and looking out over your city/town is always a nice time
4. Pontoon Boat - Speed boats go a little to fast. Too much wind. But a pontoon boat is perfect. Love a cig on the water
3. Ski Lift - Preferably with a flask of liquor as well as you ride up to the top of the mountain.
2. Casino - Gotta be at the craps table. I always wait until it's my turn to roll, then I spark a cigarette and throw some dice.
1. In The House - Some of my best memories from college are being drunk after the bars and starting a "CIGS IN THE HOUSE!" chant. Whoever lives at the house never wants it to happen, but eventually you win them over and that's a great moment.
Speed Rankings of People To Bum A Cigarette To
5. A New Friend - Someone you recently met, but haven't quite figured out yet. But then they ask you for a cigarette and you're like, "Oh, ok they're cool."
4. A Hot Girl - Gives you about 5 minutes to spit game
3. A High School Kid - Get them started early so they don't end up vaping
2. Homeless Guy - Nobody needs a cigarette more than a homeless guy. Sometimes I'll give them 2.
1. Your Girlfriend's Dad - Great bonding experience. Makes you feel like he's comfortable with you. Usually he hasn't smoked in a while too so he's appreciative. Reminds him of the good ol' days
Speed Rankings of Ages To Smoke A Cigarette
5. 21 - First cigarette while having a legal beer
4. 18 - First legal cigarette
3. 80 - If you're still smoking cigarettes at 80… good for you
2. 16 - Probably your first ever cigarette. Maybe while you're driving your first car. It was most likely terrible but it made you cool.
1. 100 - Smoking a cigarette in your 100th year on earth… that fucking rules.
Speed Rankings of Petty Theft
5. Sunglasses from a display
4. Robotussin from Wal-Mart when your 16 years old
3. Your brother's Percocet's after he got dental surgery
2. Fruit & vegetables when you're going through the self checkout (because you don't have to scan them)
1. Candy Bar from a Gas Station
Let's round it out with a 'Speed Rankings Girls Who's GIFs I Come Across The Most When Scouring The Internet For Hot GIFs'
5. Gigi Hadid - Big Fan
4. Hannah Ferguson - Sometimes I see a girl and I think it's someone else, then I realize it's actually Hannah Ferguson
3. Emily Ratajkowski - I'm kind of out on her to be perfectly honest. But she's a major player in the game no doubt.
2. Melanie Iglesias - She's everywhere. Never would have thought she'd be so popular on Google Images
1. Kate Upton - It's not even close. Completely dominates the Boob GIF market.