Age Isn't Real, 45-Year-Old Man Aspires To Be An 18-Year-Old Boy And Is Spending $2 Million A Year To Make It Happen
This shiny boy man is named Bryan Johnson. He's been living on earth for 45 years, but you wouldn't know it by looking at his gums or penis.
Bloomberg- His doctors say he has the gum inflammation of a 17-year-old.
He blasts his pelvic floor with electromagnetic pulses to improve muscle tone in hard-to-reach places and has a device that counts the number of his nighttime erections. Of late, he’s been presenting as a teenager in that regard, as well. And if you squint really hard, he kind of looks like Gisele.
I may have ad-libbed the last part of that quote. Gisele is a bit of stretch, but there are certainly models who Bryan Johnson looks less like. He doesn't look like Kate Upton whatsoever. See.
Mr. Johnson claims he has found a way to reverse the aging process. On top of his youthful mouth and penis, the 45-year-old Johnson has the heart of a 37-year-old, the skin of a 28-year-old, and the lung capacity of a teenager. His life's goal is to one day have all the organs of a freshly turned 18-year-old boy. He plans to achieve this via a program called Project Blueprint.
Do you also have a crippling fear of death, but don't want to develop a Xanax addiction? For the modest cost of $2 million per year, and a willingness to live an extremely unpleasant lifestyle with zero vices, you too can participate in Project Blueprint. The program calls for 24 morning vitamins, a vegan diet restricted to 2,000 calories per day, daily exercise & high intensity workouts, monthly blood tests, monthly MRI's, and monthly colonoscopies (I've actually had a colonoscopy before. It's not that bad. Prepping your colon the day before sucks, You can't eat and you shit your brains out all day long. But the colonoscopy itself was as breeze. My butthole didn't hurt at all).
As you venture out on your anti-aging journey, you can track your progress against other participants on the leaderboard at www.rejuvenationolympics.com. Bryan Johnson currently sits in 1st place a top the 1,750 person leaderboard (keep in mind he created this competition himself). According to the leaderboard, Johnson is currently aging at a rate of 0.793 years per year - completely redefining what it means to be a year.
If all goes to plan, Bryan Johnson will live forever. He didn't actually say that, but I'm fairly confident deep down that's what he's trying to do. At minimum, he's out to set the oldest living person record. Unfortunately, no matter how young and healthy your organs are, father time comes for everyone. You can only be on earth for so long until you're stuck by a bus.
But I'm cheering for Bryan. Despite the fact that the entire premise of what he's trying to do doesn't make a lick of sense. He is 45 years old. You can compare his organs to whatever you'd like, but he still has the everything of exactly a 45-year-old man. He's also put himself in a difficult position where if he dies then his life is failure.
When he dies, not only is he dead, he's also wrong. Imagine the size of the egg on his face if he got COVID and couldn't overcome it. Imagine if he gets a freak heart attack and dies at age 57. All that time wasted living healthy and being at the doctor's office when he could have been doing anything else. He at least has to get to 100-years-old for him to say this was all worth it. That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. Too much pressure can cause stress. Stress isn't good for your health. Getting hit by a bus might actually be best case scenario. Then in the back of his posthumous mind he'll always be able to tell himself, "I would have lived forever."