Two Years Removed from Football and 7 Days After Turning 50, Adam Vinatieri is Positively JACKED

For a little perspective on just how up in years Adam Vinatieri is, if you were born during his rookie season (one in which the Patriots went to the Super Bowl against Mike Holmgren/Brett Favre/Reggie White Packers), you are now old enough to rent a car. And to express his physical condition in a language you youngsters can understand, here it is in Urban Dictionary terms:

SWOLE - A paragon of hypermasculinity, manifesting in the physical and attitudinal embodiment of strength, occupying space with intimidating quantity and developing rippling musculature through rigorous, disciplined exercise.

I couldn't have said it better myself. 

That rookie season so long, long ago was the first time it was said of Vinatieri that he's "more than just a kicker; he's a football player." That was the time he ran down and tackled Herschel Walker, of all people, from behind:

It would be said of him millions of times thereafter over the course of an unparalleled career that spanned 24 seasons, 365 regular season games, 32 postseasons, and six Super Bowl appearances. But now that the rigors of an NFL season are no longer occupying his time, we can say he's more than a football player. He's a frigging beast. A tight end in a 6-foot-0 body. An Adonis. Hercules. All twisted steel and sex appeal. Formed by the Roman gods out of a block of pure testosterone. 

I can't count how many times I've mentioned an Instagram post from say, an Elizabeth Hurley or a Kate Beckinsale and said they are the gold standard of women their age. This is what all females should strive for. Well it's only fair now that every male in or approaching his 50s is seeing how high their bar has been raised. And it's a literal bar. Made of iron. With massive weights on it. Raised by the greatest placekicker the human race has ever produced. 

I don't know how he's managing it. It probably can't be explained by biology. It might be beyond even the most advanced medical science of our age to grasp. Perhaps we'll need to preserve Vinatieri's body so that future generations can study him. Though for all we know, he'll still be around then, working with doctors yet unborn doing research into how our species can live forever. And look amazing doing it. 

All we know is that a lot of men's change after they leave the NFL. Most get away from the need to stay in playing shape most of the year. They remove themselves from the gym, the exercise, the training table, and simply go to seed. But retirement has had the opposite effect on this remarkable specimen. He's in the best shape of his life. And there's no explanation for it. 

So hold your manhoods cheap gentlemen, whilst any speaks of Adam Vinatieri. As clutch a performer in his 50s as he ever was in his 20s, 30s or 40s. A Hall of Famer on the field, a first ballot Hall of Fame retiree.