A Guide For Parents Everywhere On How To Survive A Rite Of Passage - Putting Your Kids Gifts Together The Night Before Christmas
Alright this is the night. This is the night that no one prepares you for the moment you become a parent. The moment you realize you have to put together your kids shit, usually a couple beers in, and you know you're buckled up for a couple hours of frustration. Maybe you do it the 23rd, but either way. This is for 99% of parents who know what they have coming to them tonight.
Now, I'm not an 'expert' because no one is. But I'm a *Booker T voice* TWO-TIME, TWO-TIME dad. Two moron boys, 3 years and 4(ish) months old. If you have any kids under 2 consider yourself lucky. You basically can push this back a year. Here's tip 1:
- If you have a kid under the age of 2, just pack random shit up. Old gifts, small gifts, things you don't have to put together. They don't know much better. Just let them rip shit open and they are thrilled.
So yeah, consider this a little guide for the rest of the parents out here. I'll argue there's nothing more common man than forgetting you have to do this shit. Waiting until the last minute is as regular as it gets. There's nothing special here. Just the shit I've realized in the few years of doing this.
1. Buy all the batteries
I don't care if you overspend. I don't care if you think you're buying too many batteries. Buy them all. Every size. Treat it like Nadu on Twitter in the club
The more batteries the better. Ask your wife, she agrees.
2. Start drinking
Not really breaking news here, but you're going to want to drink. There's nothing more frustrating than looking at instructions with zero words and having to figure out which screw is number 4 and what part of the toy is letter A. Treat it like a game. Have a couple pregame drinks to loosen the nerves. Plus, if you treat it like a drinking game, it can help trick your mind.
3. You're in this together
Arguably the biggest piece of advice I can have is this. If you have a significant other, you're in this together. Don't attack family - or others, just in general. You gotta be out there working like you're Parker and Duncan. Can't have a Larsa Pippen situation. The point here is you're going to be on edge - even with the drinking. You're going to want to snap at a toy, a person, a nut, a screw, whatever. Help each other out. Attack it together. It's now you and your significant other vs the toys. Gotta be smarter.
4. Read ALL the instructions
I can't stress this enough. You're being handed the clues. You have the advantage to see how it's done. Give it a quick read through and then attack. No skipping steps. You don't go right from asking someone on a date to an OTPHJ. You gotta go on the date. You gotta go to dinner. Consider this the same. You feel a sense of orgasm the moment you get the toy put together. But you can't rush it. Read through it so you know what the steps are. Separate all the shit you need to put together.
5. Call your dad
I say this to other dads. Call your dad and do two things. 1) Lose your mind and blame him for not preparing you for this. 2) Thank him and apologize for being a shithead kid. You realize just how brutal this process is no matter how many years in you are. Then you realize our parents did it with no Internet, more drinking and using like FM radio to listen to music.
6. Trick yourself to treat yourself
It goes along with the drinking. But really treat yourself. Saving that bottle of wine? Drink it now. Whatever it might be, try to trick your mind like it's anudder season of the Mets. Play your favorite music. Do whatever you have to in order to think it's a good time. It's going to stink. You're not going to have a certain part to one toy, guaranteed. You're going to be up late and get more frustrated than a dry spell.
Remember we're all in this together. There will be thousands of us up together around 11:30pm trying to watch football and put together a random ass toy that will likely not be used after January 12th. No one is ever prepared for this and this is the true rite of passage that parents go through. If I forgot a tip or if you have something - send it over.